[General] Is there any grammatical or any other sort of mistakes?

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peakayz

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Topic: Are you interested in Medicine?

I'm very absorbed in studying Medicine for many reasons. First of all, I lost my sister when she was only two years old due to cardiovascular congenital diseases. This incident changed my life forever. Ever since, I've become a responsible person who is dedicated to helping people. Seeing people suffer the loss of a family member breaks my heart. In addition, I strive to apply research findings in order to improve the lives of patients. Besides, the end of medical studies does not mean the end of learning; there will always be something new to acquire.
 
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Charlie Bernstein

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Are there any grammatical or other mistakes?


Topic: Are you interested in medicine?

I'm very absorbed in studying medicine for many reasons. [Medicine is not a proper noun.] First of all, I lost my sister when she was only two years old, due to cardiovascular congenital diseases. [I'm not a doctor, but I probably would have said "congenital cardiovascular disease" - one disease, not plural, with the adjectives reversed. Would that make sense here, or is it bad medical language?] This incident changed my life forever. Ever since, I've been a responsible person who is dedicated to helping people. Seeing people suffer the loss of a family member breaks my heart. In addition, I strive to apply research findings in order to improve the lives of patients. Besides, the end of medical studies does not mean the end of learning. There will always be something new to acquire.

Either say "Since then, I've become...." or "Ever since, I've been...." You can only become once, you can't become ever since.

The semicolon is not technically wrong. Some of the other teachers here would disagree me for changing it to a period. However, many editors discourage the use of semicolons except when they are truly necessary. The reason is that they are old-fashioned and seem ornate or snooty to contemporary readers.

Your English writing is excellent. I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. It sounds like you've chosen a good path.
 

peakayz

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Mar 31, 2015
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Lebanon
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Thanks for your time and your beautiful words. Have a nice day.
 
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