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  1. chester_100's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jan 2008
    • Posts: 463
    #1

    Please, Take a look at this piece



    With eyes
    Bewildered at this untimely morn,
    Withered at the sun’s wide open window,
    At the flight/zenith of this imminent dawn,
    Of/from the chains of slumber
    Have I freed my tied hands.
    .
    I cried out: “O people, it is Light of Miracle now!
    If there still exists any power of sight in your eyes of blindness,
    Gaze well, before it slips through your fingers,
    In the nightly sky, at the flight of sunshine….”.

    -Is this piece correct regarding grammatical rules?

    -“The flight of sunshine” is the object of the intransitive verb gaze whichisput at the end of the last line. Is this position suitable? We need to make some literary considerations in poetry to make it less formal and give it prominence any way.

    -Do you have any better suggestions for “power of sight”,” it slips through your
    fingers”?

    -The major imagery in such a poem is mostly visual and designed to provoke some weird feeling in the reader. Does it cover these intentions?

    Thank you,



    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 394
    #2

    Re: Please, Take a look at this piece

    With eyes
    Bewildered at this untimely morn,
    Withered at the sun’s wide open window,
    At the flight/zenith of this imminent dawn,
    Of/from the chains of slumber
    Have I freed my tied hands.
    .
    I cried out: “O people, it is Light of Miracle now!
    If there still exists any power of sight in your eyes of blindness,
    Gaze well, before it slips through your fingers,
    In the nightly sky, at the flight of sunshine….”.

    -Is this piece correct regarding grammatical rules?
    The first rule of poetry is to forget the rules. Having said that, however, some stylistic considerations do come into play to some extent. Some rules may be bent for effect, while some things may still sound wrong, poem or no poem.

    The only real grammar-related issue I see here is the fact that I would want to put an article (the) in front of "Light of Miracle." Incidentally, how does "the Miracle of Light" grab you?

    -“The flight of sunshine” is the object of the intransitive verb gaze whichisput at the end of the last line. Is this position suitable? We need to make some literary considerations in poetry to make it less formal and give it prominence any way.
    I really think the positioning is fine. It works for me.

    -Do you have any better suggestions for “power of sight”,” it slips through your
    fingers”?
    I can think of a couple of somewhat more creative things, but better? That's not for me to say. I might use the word yet instead of still in that line. It just strikes as a bit more poetic. For example:

    "If there yet exists a sliver of sight in your eyes of blindness..."

    In my mind, sliver suggests a very small amount of something, an exceedingly thin slice or piece of something; it also suggests the image of someone's eyes narrowed by squinting, as if trying to summon the last remnants of their ability to see. That does, however, reduce the number of syllables in the line by one. To retain the syllable count, maybe something like this:

    "If there yet exists a sliver of sight in your all but sightless eyes..."


    Now you have the same syllable count, as well as a little alliteration thing going on. As far as "before it slips through your fingers" is concerned, again it's just a question of searching for something a bit more creative. This is a common, ordinary phrase. It's limp. Dig deeper. Tinker with it until your eyes pop out, as Saul Bellow used to say.

    How about something like

    "Gaze well, ere it slips your vision's grasp..."


    Ouch...I think I strained my poetic muscle. By the way, in the spots in the original where you listed two choices, I would choose flight and from, resp. Zenith suggests a high point, like noon...not dawn. Also, from is more suggestive of escape from something, which works better for me here.

    -The major imagery in such a poem is mostly visual and designed to provoke some weird feeling in the reader. Does it cover these intentions?
    Yes, I think so. It's really not bad. That's why I didn't mind spending a little more time on this post. Of course, I'm not a poet and never will be, so I'm way out of my league giving anyone suggestions on poetry.

    Greg

  2. chester_100's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jan 2008
    • Posts: 463
    #3

    Re: Please, Take a look at this piece

    Dear Greg,

    Thank you very much,

    Your students must be very lucky. You’re not a poet, and I’m not either; this is actually the beginning of a long poem that I’m translating. In the future I may post the other parts.
    I embrace your suggestions and thank you for paying attention to every detail and I really enjoyed your analysis style.
    I really appreciate your “spending a little more time on this post”.

    Good Luck

    Chester


    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 394
    #4

    Re: Please, Take a look at this piece

    Actually, I wish you had stated that this was a translation of an existing poem. That changes things. In that case, accurately capturing the essence of what the writer is trying to convey is paramount. I mean, if he says "...before it slips through your fingers," then it by gosh slips through your fingers. Creativity only comes into play in the sense that you're trying to find an elegant way to paint the same picture painted by the author.

    Good luck.

    Greg

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