The first rule of poetry is to forget the rules. Having said that, however, some stylistic considerations do come into play to some extent. Some rules may be bent for effect, while some things may still sound wrong, poem or no poem.With eyes
Bewildered at this untimely morn,
Withered at the sun’s wide open window,
At the flight/zenith of this imminent dawn,
Of/from the chains of slumber
Have I freed my tied hands.
I cried out: “O people, it is Light of Miracle now!
If there still exists any power of sight in your eyes of blindness,
Gaze well, before it slips through your fingers,
In the nightly sky, at the flight of sunshine….”.
-Is this piece correct regarding grammatical rules?
The only real grammar-related issue I see here is the fact that I would want to put an article (the) in front of "Light of Miracle." Incidentally, how does "the Miracle of Light" grab you?
I really think the positioning is fine. It works for me.-“The flight of sunshine” is the object of the intransitive verb gaze whichisput at the end of the last line. Is this position suitable? We need to make some literary considerations in poetry to make it less formal and give it prominence any way.
I can think of a couple of somewhat more creative things, but better? That's not for me to say. I might use the word yet instead of still in that line. It just strikes as a bit more poetic. For example:-Do you have any better suggestions for “power of sight”,” it slips through your
"If there yet exists a sliver of sight in your eyes of blindness..."
In my mind, sliver suggests a very small amount of something, an exceedingly thin slice or piece of something; it also suggests the image of someone's eyes narrowed by squinting, as if trying to summon the last remnants of their ability to see. That does, however, reduce the number of syllables in the line by one. To retain the syllable count, maybe something like this:
"If there yet exists a sliver of sight in your all but sightless eyes..."
Now you have the same syllable count, as well as a little alliteration thing going on. As far as "before it slips through your fingers" is concerned, again it's just a question of searching for something a bit more creative. This is a common, ordinary phrase. It's limp. Dig deeper. Tinker with it until your eyes pop out, as Saul Bellow used to say.
How about something like
"Gaze well, ere it slips your vision's grasp..."
Ouch...I think I strained my poetic muscle. By the way, in the spots in the original where you listed two choices, I would choose flight and from, resp. Zenith suggests a high point, like noon...not dawn. Also, from is more suggestive of escape from something, which works better for me here.
Yes, I think so. It's really not bad. That's why I didn't mind spending a little more time on this post. Of course, I'm not a poet and never will be, so I'm way out of my league giving anyone suggestions on poetry.-The major imagery in such a poem is mostly visual and designed to provoke some weird feeling in the reader. Does it cover these intentions?