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  1. chester_100's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jan 2008
    • Posts: 463
    #1

    Talking Poetry Madness #1

    Hello everybody,

    I know I should have posted this in the Poetry, Prose & Songs section, but I found there so deadly quiet that I decided to post it here.

    I usually try to post some material which can prove interesting and thought-provoking; something which is concerned with poetry, translation, cultural adaptations and sometimes criticism. I’d like to work extensively on the details so that the final result may be understandable to the reader.

    Now, lets work on this one:
    There are three translations of the same sonnet (the first verse only).

    -Which one would you choose as the most informative one, regardless of rhyme and considering word choice based on the information that follows them?

    -Can you find any major problems with any of them?
    -What suggestions would you make to better them?
    -Any points on the subject in general?

    Thank you,
    Enthusiastically waiting!

    To be continued……..

    Verse 1

    Translation 1
    At the gates of the tavern I saw the angels knock
    Kneaded this clay we call human, and made it talk.


    Translation 2
    Last night I saw that the angels beat the door of the tavern,
    The clay of man, they shaped and into the mould, they cast.

    Translation 3
    Last night did I see the angels knock at the door of the wine-house,
    Commingling the dust of man and molding it, justly balanced, into the cup of wine.

    -Words & Coinages:
    1-Wine-house: pub, bar (literary)
    2-Dust: the substance out of which man is thought to have been created:
    Genesis 2:7
    And the Lord God made man from the dust of the earth
    -Significance:
    1-The poet in a seemingly unconscious transcendental state happens to witness the moment when man was created.
    2-The elements of man’s shapeless body were mixed and poured into a “cup of wine”, a symbolic picture that shows love and madness are indispensable components of the existence of man, because his Dust was immersed into wine on the First day.

  2. Raymott's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia

    • Join Date: Jun 2008
    • Posts: 24,091
    #2

    Re: Poetry Madness #1

    Quote Originally Posted by chester_100 View Post
    Translation 1
    At the gates of the tavern I saw the angels knock
    Kneaded this clay we call human, and made it talk.


    Translation 2
    Last night I saw that the angels beat the door of the tavern,
    The clay of man, they shaped and into the mould, they cast.

    Translation 3
    Last night did I see the angels knock at the door of the wine-house,
    Commingling the dust of man and molding it, justly balanced, into the cup of wine.
    Translation 3 seems to be the most informative.
    3. is the only one that mentions mixing into wine.
    2. and 3. mention 'last night'.
    1. mentions man talking.

    Last night I saw the angels knock at the door of the wine-house.
    They took some clay and wine, and moulded man, then made him talk.

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