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  1. Huda-M's Avatar
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    #1

    Unhappy Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    Hi!

    This is one paragraph from a story I was writting - a contemporary realistic short story.

    Please check it for me and tell me if there are any mistakes, and if there are any good and better expressions that I can use in it.

    And then I saw Joe(he's a gorilla escaped from the zoo since a week) raise his fist, I saw him flung his blow once again towards my friend.... But as if I saw it in a slow motion, the fist froze in the mid-air, and in a flash back of my mind, continued from the same place towards the care-taker in a vigorous blow(this is how Joe had managed to escape, at feeding time only because of the shriek of a little kid- he was eating in silence, and was disturbed) , right on his face.

    Thank you very much.

    And please give me some tips for writting a SHORT story - NOT A LOONG ONE! Because whenever i write something, I find very difficult to stop and it carries on.....

  2. Huda-M's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    Maybe it will be RAISING his fist.....

  3. nedira's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    I think that instead of writing(my mind,continued) you write ( my mind continued)

  4. Raymott's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    Quote Originally Posted by Huda-M View Post
    Hi!

    This is one paragraph from a story I was writting - a contemporary realistic short story.

    Please check it for me and tell me if there are any mistakes, and if there are any good and better expressions that I can use in it.

    And then I saw Joe - he's a gorilla who escaped from the zoo a week ago - raise his fist. I saw him flung his blow once again [he hasn't done it once yet] towards my friend.... But as if I saw was seeing it in a slow motion, the fist froze in the mid-air, and in a flashback of my mind, I saw him him continued from the same place move towards the care-taker in a vigorous blow
    [he can't "move in a blow" - it doesn't mean anything]
    - this is how Joe had managed to escape at feeding time,
    only because of the shriek of a little kid- he'd been was eating in silence, and was disturbed), right on his face.
    WHat does "right in his face" mean at the end here?

    Thank you very much.
    Were the underlined parts part of the story? If not, put them in an introductory note. It's very confusing as it is.

    And please give me some tips for writting a SHORT story - NOT A LOONG ONE! Because whenever i write something, I find very difficult to stop and it carries on.....
    My best tip - get someone to read it periodically to see if it makes sense, and if they think it means the same thing you do.
    Prologue:
    Joe is a gorilla who escaped from the zoo a week ago.
    He managed to escape at feeding time because of the shriek of a little kid - he was eating in silence, and was disturbed.
    (Continued):
    And then I saw Joe rise his fist. I saw him fling his blow towards my friend.... But as if I was seeing it in slow motion, the fist froze in mid-air, and continued from the same place towards the care-taker in a vigorous blow, right onto his face.

    I think this might be closer to what you are trying to describe.

  5. Huda-M's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    No, the underlined parts are not from the story, i just wrote them for describing the character and some previous events.

    Joe escaped the cage in the zoo because he landed a blow on the caretaker before as well, infront of the narrator(thats an imaginary me). And he was free in the city, the police was after him. But when the narrator was out with friends, she saw Joe again, landing the same powerful blow on her friend. And so she is telling that as that fist nears her friend, she sees flash backs of Joe landing a fist on the care-taker who was feeding him, sending him flying in the air. And she is thinking that the same will happen to her friend - thats why she sees it in a slow motion, like the events are repeating themselves just as they had occured before.

  6. Huda-M's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    Actually the movement of Joe's hand was just the same as it was before i.e same distance, same moving style, same speed, both the times, so the narrator says that the fist coming towards her friend freezes in mid-air, in her mind, and she sees it continue in the same way, like there was no stopping, towards the care-taker in Joe's cage.

  7. Raymott's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    Quote Originally Posted by Huda-M View Post
    Actually the movement of Joe's hand was just the same as it was before i.e same distance, same moving style, same speed, both the times, so the narrator says that the fist coming towards her friend freezes in mid-air, in her mind, and she sees it continue in the same way, like there was no stopping, towards the care-taker in Joe's cage.
    If you are going to use flashback techniques, you need to learn the conventions associated with it. It's not easy because you need all sorts of changes of tense, etc. so that reader understands what you're saying. You can't write in the middle of the story "Oh, by the way, this is a flashback and I'll underline it". You could in a draft, of course.

  8. Huda-M's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Please tell me if there are any mistakes here

    So maybe I shouldn't use the flashback, thankyou very much!
    Mastering something takes time!!

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