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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Tunisia
      • Current Location:
      • Tunisia

    • Join Date: Apr 2007
    • Posts: 292
    #1

    Do u think u have good style???

    I'm typing a short funny poem for my friends on a particular occasion and I cam out with the following poem.
    I would appreciate it if any of you guys can improve it or add anything that ryhmes well with it.

    May Allah forgive all your transgressions;
    Which are so so many.
    Reward your good deeds,
    If at all you've done any.
    Bliss your coming days
    Of which you still have not many.
    & Ease your guilt-ridden conscience
    Wrodbalek tensani :))


    The line in red is in Tunisian "ARABIC" and it means "Never forget about me"

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • German
      • Home Country:
      • Germany
      • Current Location:
      • Canada

    • Join Date: Nov 2008
    • Posts: 1,032
    #2

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Quote Originally Posted by aous02 View Post
    I'm typing a short funny poem for my friends on a particular occasion and I cam out with the following poem.
    I would appreciate it if any of you guys can improve it or add anything that ryhmes well with it.

    May Allah forgive all your transgressions;
    Which are so so many.
    Reward your good deeds,
    If at all you've done any.
    Bliss your coming days
    Of which you still have not many. If this is supposed to be funny, then saying that the person does not have many incoming days is not correct. Hopefully you mean that the person should still have many, many coming days. You might want to say, "Hopefully Allah will give you many."
    & Ease your guilt-ridden conscience I have no idea what this means, perhaps someone else can help with it.
    Wrodbalek tensani :))

    The line in red is in Tunisian "ARABIC" and it means "Never forget about me"
    I am not a teacher.

  1. Raymott's Avatar
    • Member Info
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      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia

    • Join Date: Jun 2008
    • Posts: 24,091
    #3

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    I think it's meant as a mock insult, Sfl, in which case it is consistent as it stands.


    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 394
    #4

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Bliss your coming days
    Do you mean bless your coming days? Bliss is a noun and so the sentence makes no sense as written. I mean, you could say "I wish you bliss in your coming days," or "May you have bliss in your coming days," etc. (Not in this poem, obviously, because they don't fit; but you could use the word bliss that way.)

    Greg


    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 394
    #5

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Aous02, how about this?

    * * * * * * * *

    May Allah forgive you of all your sins,
    Of which there must be many;
    And supply all your needs
    And reward your good deeds
    (Assuming that you have done any).

    And may Allah bless your remaining days,
    Of which you may not have many; (or "Of which I hope you have many" if you prefer)
    And put your conscience at ease
    As He reminds you to please
    "Wrodbalek tensani."


    * * * * * * * *

    Hope you like it.

    Greg
    Last edited by dragn; 19-Sep-2009 at 11:06.

    • Member Info
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    #6

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Yes it's "bless" not bliss
    Thanks Greg, your contribution was of help...

    Concerning (your coming days...of which you still have not many)... this is culture-specefic. People in this part of the world don't fear death, it's welcome. So they take it as fun. If written to a westerner it may seem an insult beacause life is so dear to them..
    Thanks to u all guys..

    Here is an anecdote for u (a reward for ur help)

    I Started translating a short story using "machine translation"...I typed the following title "حماري و الطوفان" and guess what i got!!! normally it should be "My donkey and The FLOOD" u know the story of Na=oah and the Ark.......but i got: "MY ASS AND THE FLOOD" !!!!!


    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 394
    #7

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Thanks Greg, your contribution was of help...
    I take it that it didn't quite hit the mark for you. Oh well, that's OK. At least I thought it was good, and I did have a lot of fun writing it.

    Greg

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    #8

    Re: Do u think u have good style???

    Quote Originally Posted by aous02 View Post

    I Started translating a short story using "machine translation"...I typed the following title "حماري و الطوفان" and guess what i got!!! normally it should be "My donkey and The FLOOD" u know the story of Na=oah and the Ark.......but i got: "MY ASS AND THE FLOOD" !!!!!
    ASS is a synonym for donkey.

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