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    #1

    Post The parade (please correct it)

    The parade

    When I was a kid I didn’t have the chance to see a parade in person. I watched our national day parades only on television. I had a wish to go to the capital city and watch it as an audience, but it never happened.


    Now as a grownup person I have the opportunity to watch parades for different occasions.I like to see parades for different occasions. National day parades, festival parades and Christmas day parades are all fun to see. I love to see parade volunteers in nice costumes. I enjoy watching kids collecting candies and other tokens from parade volunteers. Sometimes it reminds my childhood wish that never came true.


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
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    #2

    Re: The parade (please correct it)

    This is okay. The English is good.
    It's biggest fault is that it's a little weak and generic.


    The parade
    Parades and Me

    When I was a kid I didn’t have the chance to see a parade in person.
    > Not A parade, ANY parades
    When I was a kid, I never had a chance to see a parade.

    I watched our national day parades only on television.
    I could only watch the National Day parades on TV..

    I had a wish to go to the capital city and watch it as an audience, but it never happened.

    I longed to go to (name the city) to watch one in person, but I never did.

    Now as a grownup person I have the opportunity to watch parades for different occasions.I like to see parades for different occasions.
    > It's too generic when you lapse into non-specifics like "different occasions" -- especially when you make that non-informative remark TWICE
    But now that I'm a grown-up, I can go to all the parades I want.

    National day parades, festival parades and Christmas day parades are all fun to see.
    > tepid
    National Day parades
    , festival parades, Christmas Day parades -- I love them all.

    I love to see parade volunteers in nice costumes.

    > too bland and generic
    > Add at least one more sensory detail -- "The smell of the marchers' sweaty boots" -- anything
    I love the dazzling costumes and the blare of the trumpets. I love the bang of the kettledrums and the way the prancing majorettes fling their batons flashing and spinning into the sky. I buy myself a bag of hot peanuts roasted in their shells, and sometimes I secretly want to buy myself a yellow balloon.

    I enjoy watching kids collecting candies and other tokens from parade volunteers.
    Sometimes it reminds my childhood wish that never came true.

    > It's a good point but faded out and faint in expression.
    I love watching the kids scramble for candy and trinkets tossed from the floats. Going to a parade is practically like making a childhood wish come true.

    Here's a corny rendition of I Love A Parade
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhCVmFc8jy8
    Last edited by Ann1977; 06-Oct-2009 at 01:51.

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: The parade (please correct it)

    Quote Originally Posted by jkl View Post
    The parade

    When I was a kid I didnít have the chance to see a parade in person. I watched our national day parades only on television. I had a wish to go to the capital city and watch it as part of the audience, but it never happened.

    Now as an adult I have the opportunity to watch parades for different occasions:I like to see parades for different occasions (You just said that)
    national day parades, festival parades and Christmas day parades are all fun to see. I love to see parade volunteers in nice costumes.
    I enjoy watching kids collecting candies and other tokens from parade volunteers. Sometimes it reminds me of the childhood wish that never came true at the time
    You need to vary your sentences. I think one "I love, I enjoy" is enough for a paragraph of this size.

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