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    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 4
    #1

    Is commercial sounds right?

    Hi!
    I am making a commercial for a computer app.
    I have written titles for the video.
    But I'm not sure if the titles sound good in English.

    Is every line in this commercial sounds right?

    ----
    Take a look in YoWindow.

    YoWindow shows what the weather is like.


    In your city.

    At any place you choose.

    You can watch the weather now.

    During the day.

    On the weekend.

    And the days to follow.

    Seasons change in YoWindow

    Any weather phenomenon


    21,000 locations
    Your window
    YoWindow!
    yowindow.com
    ----


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #2

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    I don't think each line should end with a period. In a list like that, you can just end the line with no punctuation mark. Some of the lines are not sentences anyway -- and that's fine in a list. But it doesn't make sense to use a period after a phrase in a list that isn't even a sentence.
    So I think you should delete all the periods.

    At any place you choose.
    Or anywhere you choose
    -----------------------------
    During the day.

    On the weekend.

    And the days to follow.

    This depends on what you mean. Do you mean that the user can get the forecast (the weather prediction)? If you do, I think you should say:

    Today's weather

    The weekend weather outlook

    The extended forecast

    ---------------------------------------

    I can't be sure what these two mean. If you can explain to us what you want to say, we could probably help you come up with something.

    Seasons change in YoWindow

    Any weather phenomenon


    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 4
    #3

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    Thank you, Ann!
    I will definitely remove the periods.

    Let me explain the things you've asked about.

    1. The user can access current weather and also weather forecast. But this is done seemlessly in the program, you can choose virtually any time moment you wish. We want to stress that it does not matter which moment you choose, you will see the weather at the moment.

    2. Does "During the day" sounds right?

    3. "Seasons change in YoWindow". The program picks the season of the year for the current date in a place you choose. That is you will see green foilage in the spring and snow in the winter. The video will show these season pictures after the title is displayed.

    4. "Any weather phenomenon". This means the program can display every whether phenomenon (rain, snow, mist, wind, thunderstorm). After this title, we demonstrate these phenomenons. Does the word phenomenon sounds good, or maybe it's better to use the word "condition"?

    5. Also, I a lot of doubts about this sentence, are you sure it sounds good?
    "You can watch the weather now"

    You can take a look at the program if you like.
    YoWindow: best weather monitor


    Thank you very much!


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #4

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    Quote Originally Posted by donald128 View Post
    Thank you, Ann!
    I will definitely remove the periods.

    Let me explain the things you've asked about.

    1. The user can access current weather and also weather forecast. But this is done seemlessly in the program, you can choose virtually any time moment you wish. We want to stress that it does not matter which moment you choose, you will see the weather at the moment.

    2. Does "During the day" sounds right?

    3. "Seasons change in YoWindow". The program picks the season of the year for the current date in a place you choose. That is you will see green foilage in the spring and snow in the winter. The video will show these season pictures after the title is displayed.

    4. "Any weather phenomenon". This means the program can display every whether phenomenon (rain, snow, mist, wind, thunderstorm). After this title, we demonstrate these phenomenons. Does the word phenomenon sounds good, or maybe it's better to use the word "condition"?

    5. Also, I a lot of doubts about this sentence, are you sure it sounds good?
    "You can watch the weather now"

    You can take a look at the program if you like.
    YoWindow: best weather monitor


    Thank you very much!
    Great program!! Much better than a weather prediction of the usual type!


    Look out YoWindow!
    YoWindow shows you the weather
    where you are
    or any place you choose
    Now you can watch the weather
    for current conditions
    for the weekend outlook
    or for an extended forecast
    The seasons change automatically in YoWindow!

    YoWindow can display any weather phenomenon!


    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 4
    #5

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    Thank you for the nice words about our program.
    And thank you for help!

    We have used some of the ideas you have given to us.
    However, these are titles for the commercial video, so we had to keep some text intact.

    This is the final edition.
    Is it OK?

    ----
    Take a look through YoWindow

    YoWindow shows what the weather's like

    In your city
    Or anywhere you choose

    You can check the weather now
    During the day
    On the weekend
    And the days to follow

    The seasons change automatically in YoWindow
    YoWindow can display any weather phenomenon

    21,000 locations
    Your window
    YoWindow!
    yowindow.com


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #6

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    YoWindow shows what the weather's like

    In your city <-- What about people who don't live in a "city"?
    Or anywhere you choose

    You can check the weather now
    In this case, I think you really have to put the word "now" at the front.
    Otherwise it doesn't make any sense -- and it doesn't say what you mean -- at least as far as I understand your intention.

    Now you can check the weather
    - This means that all of a sudden here's this new program ("NOW!" "At last!" "Finally -- what we've been looking for!") and just look at what it lets you do -- it lets you check the weather for all these different time slots:

    You can check the weather now
    - This means that you can find out current conditions (the weather as it is right now)
    - It could also mean that you can log on to the program immediately ("Check right now!")
    --------------------------

    During the day
    On the weekend
    And the days to follow
    I don't think any of these really work. For one thing, they are not the typical expressions used for weather forecasts.

    (NOTE: If you are not trying to talk about FORECASTS or PREDICTIONS, then I don't know what these phrases mean or what they refer to. But maybe everyone would understand them if they saw the entire commercial.)

    - for today (that is called "current conditions")
    - for the weekend (that is called "the weekend outlook" or "the weekend forecast")
    - for a longer time - up to 5 days (that is called "the extended forecast")

    Furthermore, I'm not sure what "during the day" is meant to say in the commercial. If you are telling people that the program can show them current conditions, that is the wrong phrase. But maybe you are trying to say something else -- if so, it might be the right phrase.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 07-Oct-2009 at 18:11.


    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 4
    #7

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    Thank you Ann!
    During the day supposed to mean "you can take a look at any moment of the day, any specific time".


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #8

    Re: Is commercial sounds right?

    Quote Originally Posted by donald128 View Post
    Thank you Ann!
    During the day supposed to mean "you can take a look at any moment of the day, any specific time".
    Then maybe

    - Around the clock

    - Any time during the day

    - Any time you want

    But really, I think the users are going to assume without even thinking about it that they can log in and check at any moment during the day

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