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  1. farhatg1
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    #1

    an e-mail I want to send to parents

    I am very privilege this year to work with your Boys. It is not by mistake that I知 serving these young men. I know I知 stepping on Holy grounds. The vision for this Year is to have our young men develop in there faith, grow in the love of community and build a solid relationship with me based on trust and support.
    My main focus will be with the Older Boys* I値l be doing more activities and one to one meetings with them. During our last overnight I felt God is inviting us to be united as one men supporting and loving one another. I hope and pray that by the end of this year we might look back and see how much in our unity we grew in the Lord.

    On a more practical level find bellow the Antioch Boys Term 1 Schedule. Please do let me know if you think any of these dates clashes with your family schedule. If you have any concerns or questions about the dates please do send me an e-mail before this coming Sunday. I will give, in due time, more details on the content of the event.


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #2

    Re: an e-mail I want to send to parents

    I think you should put the business material first, so as to end on an inspirational note, and to avoid the rather cynical-sounding way you just drop all the spiritual stuff and get down to business.
    ----------------------------------------------------

    Here is the Antioch Boys Term 1 Schedule. Please do let me know if you think any of these dates clashes with your family schedule. If you have any concerns or questions about the dates, please do send me an e-mail before this coming Sunday. I will have more details on the content of the event for you shortly.

    It is a privilege for me to work with your boys. It is no accident that I am serving these young men. I know I am walking on holy ground. The vision for this year is to have our young men develop in their faith, grow in the love of community and build a solid relationship with me based on trust and support.

    My main focus this year will be with the older boys.* I’ll be doing more activities and one-to-one meetings with them. During our last overnight, I felt God was inviting us to be united as one, supporting and loving one another. I hope and pray that by the end of this year we might look back and see how much in our unity we grew in the Lord.

    NOTE: I did not understand the use of *
    No matter what it's for, there should be a period after "boys."
    --------------------------------------------

    If this material is for the US market, I think you should downplay the remarks about how much time you're going to spend alone with each boy.

    I also think the US market will not be attracted to your idea of getting boys to build a solid relationship with you personally. Maybe I'm wrong. You should know your own market.
    But I think you should consider changing this:
    and build a solid relationship with me based on trust and support.
    to this:
    and build solid relationships based on trust and support.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 14-Oct-2009 at 02:58.


    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 4
    #3

    Thumbs up Re: an e-mail I want to send to parents

    Thank you Ann, This was very helpful. Yes i totally agree with you, I should start with information first. As for the context the parents know me very well and they want me to work closely with there boys. But yes u r absolutely right when you say that we should be sensitive about these things specially nowadays.
    Thank you Again for the helpful reply.


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #4

    Re: an e-mail I want to send to parents

    Quote Originally Posted by farhatg1 View Post
    Thank you Ann, This was very helpful. Yes i totally agree with you, I should start with information first. As for the context the parents know me very well and they want me to work closely with there boys. But yes u r absolutely right when you say that we should be sensitive about these things specially nowadays.
    Thank you Again for the helpful reply.
    Glad to help.

    On second reading, I think you should make the following changes:

    Original:
    Please do let me know if you think any of these dates clashes with your family schedule.

    Change this way:
    Please do let me know if any of these dates clash with your family schedule.

    Best wishes.
    ~ Ann

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