R.Topic: For future career success, is relating well to other people more important than studying hard at school?
Agree or not
This topic is incorrectly phrased. It's a question. You can't agree or disagree with a question. Do you understand this point?
---***---Everyone wants to be successful in his career, but how to reach the goal is a problem that everyone meets. Some people try to have a good relationship with people to reach the goal, whereas others tend to work hard at school to do so. [Really? Where did you get the idea for this rather strange dichotomy? If a topic says "Is A more important than B", you cannot simply assume that there are only two factors and that a choice needs to be made between them. You have to in the essay, but you can't assume that this is a choice in real life.]
In my opinion, itís more important to relate well to other people to succeed in future career.
Firstly, there is no job in which we do not interact with many types of people [Yes there are. Perhaps "There are few jobs ... "], so the skill of dealing well with them and not being stressful under strain of colleagues is very important.
Relating well with people is very important to be successful in oneís career,[You've said that] At the same time,However hard we study at school, we stillcannot make any progress in our relationship with people by doing so, but we actually find ourselves more and more indulgent in books and dryknowledge. [You haven't shown that this is a bad thing. You shouldn't insert a word like 'dry' unless you're going to explain it. This is an objective essay in which you are meant to give evidence for your opinions. If it were meant to be a piece of persuasive or polemical prose, you could use such rhetorical effects - but they are not rational.]
Secondly, the knowledge that we get from teachers is not enough, because it is mere theory [Really? A teacher has never taught you how to do something?] , and what we need is the application of that theory into
thereal life. But does sitting still in front of books, pens and data do us any good? My answer is No. [This is a very strange thing to assert. And it's unnecessary. If you are arguing that A is more important than B, you don't have to argue that B is useless. And you shouldn't unless it's true. But now you've painted yourself into a corner, because neither the teacher (a person) nor books are useful. Also, my point above about rhetoric applies again. The assumption that studying hard involves sitting still in front of books is an obvious straw man.]
[Corrected to here].
We can remember the knowledge well, but we cannot know how it is when it comes into life and happens actually so that we can see with our own eyes. So how does relating well with people help us in this case? A student in a college always craves for an opportunity to practice what he learns from his teachers. So a chance to work for an effectively organized company requiring applied knowledge is invaluable for him. And he can get this chance only by broadening his relationship with people, especially those who run a business or manage some kinds of administration, etc.
Last but not least, the success in his future job depends deeply on the combination of skills and knowledge. But one cannot cover all the necessary knowledge on his own, because knowledge is extremely large. He can be good at certain fields, but not good or even bad in others. And the interaction with people who are professional at such fields is indispensable.
Studying hard can provide us with basic knowledge about the job, but relating well with people not only opens the door to opportunities but also supports our study. [A valid point]
All in all, success in future job can be achieved in many ways,
in many times and for many purposes.Considering all the factors, it is concluded that we must enhance the relationship to get a successful job in future. However, my essay is not against studying hard but supports the way of balancing between studying and relating with people.
[Your essay is substantially against studying hard. It does not come close to addressing a balance between studying and relating. Your conclusion should be either that i) studying hard is more important or that ii) relating well to other people is more important. Your essay argues for ii.
Actually the question leaves open the possibility that relating is not more important but just as important as study. But you haven't argued for that.
Student or Learner