Please can you tell us more about this story?
- Why did you write it?
- Who is it for? Who will read it?
The problem with "fixing" it is that it is full of interest and charm as it is right now. Obviously, some of that charm comes from your use of the English language.
If this story were edited to be perfectly correct grammatically, there would be very little left.
I think it would be a shame to sanitize this story from a fun read into a bland nothing.
Student or Learner