This essay managed the introduction and conclusion intelligently and creatively. These two portions are the most successful element of the essay.
The author was aware of transitions, and dutifully included them. The transitions were not as good as the intro and conclusion.
The organization was well-chosen (psychological harm, physical harm, and intellectual harm), but insufficiently developed. The essay should be about twice as long to avoid the impression of giving its topics just a glancing blow.
The biggest fault of this essay is its lightness. It is citation-driven, yet the author did very little research, and didn't even use much of what was found. Rephrasing interesting details from two or three web sites for each point would have been easy to do, and it would have made the essay more interesting and more weighty.
Instead, the author seems to have given up after the slightest effort -- and didn't even try at all for the paragraph about the harmful effects of TV on schoolwork. As a result, that paragraph is just silly.
A recent survey in Britain found that 86% children watch up to 6 hours of television every day. It is really a bad news as the majority of experts think that a TV has bad effects on children. Under-6s watch up to six hours of TV daily | The Communication Initiative Network
> This is a really good way to introduce the essay.
First of all,
> This transition is not elaborate enough. It makes the reader say, "First of all WHAT?"
For one thing, exposure to television programming seems to carry undesirable psychological consequences.
- aggressive behavior (cite some data)
- passivity, anxiety, depression, withdrawal
Physical activity in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression; Nordic Journal of Psychiatry - 62(s47):Pages 25-29 - Informa Healthcare
excessive television viewing is seen to trigger violence and dangerous activities in children. There are so many violent and bad programs on television that make harmful influence on children痴 behaviors.
They may try to imitate what they see on the screen, for instance, they may drink alcohol, use drug,
> This is the result of not bothering to do the research
> Making up stuff to support the topic reduces credibility
> Probably children see almost no drug-taking
> Advertising non-distilled alcohol on TV is legal, and it may reach children (It does reach teens.)
> It's illegal in the US to depict the drinking of alcohol in advertising
> Advertising of distilled spirits is not allowed at all
> Television has a demonstrable effect on children's behavior, and references to the facts are easy to find
do stuff or set fight as characters on TV shows and commercials.
> This transition is too scanty
Besides the potential for emotional harm, another way that watching television does damage to kids is by promoting childhood obesity.
according to the American Medical Association, children who watch too much TV are usually overweight. They often snack on junk food while watching TV. Also it makes them less active. They do not have enough time to do outdoor activities or sports that are considered to improve their physical health.
Apart from this,
> Why "apart" from this?
> "In addition to this" would have been better
devoting more time towards watching television makes children neglect studies . Since they keep watching TV more than three hours, their eyes become tired and this makes them feel asleep. They tend to become less alert to continue studying and work less on their homework, which results to poor school performance.
> Impaired language acquisition, and time stolen from homework, reading, conversation, hobbies, crafts, creative play, exploration, reflection, music ....
> The idea that watching TV is bad for schoolwork on the grounds that it makes your eyes tired is just not good enough, and sounds like the author ran out of steam and settled on making something up, no matter how silly
Television has become an evil in our daily life. It is a powerful means of communication and has many bad effects on children. Although it is hard for children to avoid watching television, I believe that they should spend less time on doing that and concentrate on their studies
> This is an intelligent and well-managed concluding statement
> No need to limit the alternative to "concentrating on their studies"
> The point of the essay is that TV is bad for kids in lots of different ways
> The one thing children never see on TV is some pasty-faced kid slumped in front of a TV set -- and eating -- while watching other people life rich lives
> "I believe" can be eliminated
Kids should turn off their television sets and go live their lives.
_I spend a lot of time writing an essay. Can you give me some tips to write faster?
This essay did not give the impression that you spent a lot of time on it. It certainly gave the impression that you were bored and half-hearted, and that attitude magnifies subjective time.
_Can I abbreviate the word 'television' to 'TV'?