This is a good essay. It is intelligent, well-planned, and diligent. The arguments are convincing, the tone is balanced and judicious, and some of the examples were excellent.
The English is not fabulous, but it's always understandable.
The intro, transitions, and conclusion are the product of thought, care and creativity. The student understands the issues and addresses the problems.
The intro, transitions, and conclusion are now ready to be improved by using some advanced techniques.
---***---Success is something that most human always crave for, whether in the past or now.
> This is a good approach to an intro -- to set the question in a large frame, or from a long perspective
In the long history of human, there are many people who have got resounding success, and they have achieved their success in many ways, with different efforts.
> By trying to say too much, this ended up saying nothing at all.
In my opinion, it is easier to be a success in the modern life because of these reasons.
> This is the bridge that leads from the intro to the body of the essay
> It is the thesis statement
> But it's not particularly skillful.
> The student should aim at the expressions of this concept that are used in textbooks
> A neutral, objective-sounding statement, abstract and agent-less, is better for a thesis statement
> "because of these reasons" is not a good addition to a thesis statement
> It is implicit in the structure that the reasons will follow
> Something like one of these would be better:
- But nowadays it's easier to be a success than ever before.
- But there are significant factors that make it easier to succeed today than in the past.
- Today, more people can achieve success than was ever possible in the past.
To begin with the first one,
> You certainly don't need to say "to begin with" AND "the first one"
> This transition needs to be extended
One of the biggest factors in the modern world for increasing the opportunity for success is widespread access to education.
I would like to talk about the learning availability in different periods of time.
> Don't say you would like to talk about it.
> Just talk about it
> Leave yourself out of an essay like this
Though success can be achieved in various ways, but being able to study in a good educating environment is a leading condition to reach the goal. In the past, it is hard for those who are poor or not in high social positions to join schools. The prejudice and the obsessive conception of the society at that time seemed to prevent studying. Being a success at that time was nearly impossible to most ancient people. In contrast, today there are many schools that are opened to all the people who want to study and afford the learning fee, hence the chance to get knowledge is much easier, so is the chance to be a success.
Another reason I want to mention here is that there are more and more opportunities to get a success today.
Here is how to improve this transition:
Besides the increased availability of education today compared to conditions in the past,
(Step One: re-orienting the reader -- where we have just been)
a second factor
(Step Two: transition signpost -- where we are now)
in upping the chances for success is
(Step Three: Repeating phrases from the thesis statement -- ties the next part back into the theme of the essay)
> All these words should be lavished on transitions
> For one thing, scoring rubrics seek them out
> For another, they contribute greatly to the reader's sense of satisfaction with the essay.
> Strong transitions make the essay seem logical, complete, convincing, sensible
> Strong transitions make the author sound confident and in control of the material
The world is changing every moment, which means that all positive abilities are needed in various fields. In addition, the society appreciates every ability that is carefully and deeply developed. A person only needs to concentrate on one field or even one skill to success. For example, if in the past, especially in Eastern countries, one needed to be good at both literature and art of fighting to be a mandarin, so today, a person only has to be good at composing poems to succeed; a Mathematic teacher in the past had to know well about both Geometry and Algebra, in contrary, today he who only highly concentrates on Geometry can be a good teacher.
> This is a good paragraph, with a good observation to begin with and a good example
> Stopping after the first example would have been better
> For one thing, the second example was just the same as the first one
> In addition, it was not as convincing as the first one
The last reason for my statement relates to
1) Orientation -- where we have just been
In addition to more access to education and increased opportunity through specialization,
2) Transition signpost -- where we are now
a third element
3) Repeating from the thesis -- tying this paragraph into the essay as a whole
in the greater chances for success in the modern world compared to the past is
the strain that the society puts on a person, which forces them to try harder to survive or only to satisfy themselves, this also makes them likely to succeed. Most people want to be the equality to their peers, and that makes them stressful or even embarrassed if they cannot be as successful or as well-off as the rest of the world. “They can do, why can’t me?” That is a common question that obsesses many persons at the first stage of their way to success. Jealousy is a powerful motivation for the try of many people, and is a root of many cases of success in the world today.
To sum up,
> Unlike the transitions, which are extremely explicit, the intro and conclusion should be handled delicately
> They are graceful slides in and out of the topic
> Philosophical-type reflections, location in a larger perspective, (sometimes) calls to action
> The function is to prevent the essay from just "stopping," like a car driven into a brick wall
> It is not a recap of the essay
> The word "conclusion" doesn not mean a "logical conclusion" in the sense of "logical deduction"
> And it's usually not "what I think of the whole idea"
> It is a "finish" like a fine hem on a silk scarf -- just a neat and tidy end to finish off the end of the fabric
success has been sought by many human generations, and each person has his own way to get it. The difficulty level of getting success differentiates through times. In my opinion, one needs to try his best according to the condition of the era he is living to get success.
> You don't have a concluding thought here
----------------------------------------------
This essay would have been improved if the author had put the paragraphs in a better order.
1) Most interesting or intriguing point first
2) Weakest point second
3) Best argument last
In this case, that means
1st paragraph (strongest point) ---> make it the last one
2nd paragraph (most interesting) ---> make it the first one
3rd paragraph (weakest point) ----> make it the second one
This can often be noticed during the final edit, and it is an easy matter to cut and paste the paragraphs into their best sequence, not forgetting to alter the transition words accordingly.
I think it's always a good sign when the transition for the last paragraph says "...the best / most important / strongest / most whatever ...."
-------------------------------------------------
I didn't do a line-by-line edit on this essay, because that kind of stuff was not the most interesting thing to say about it, but I will do that if the author is interested in seeing those corrections.
Student or Learner
Originally Posted by hieppham90
. And, considering that I am not very good at writing, would you please write another essay about the same topic but keep my ideas and only rewrite the sentences that you said that they were not very suitable? 
Bookmarks