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    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 17
    #1

    please check!

    My First Impression of Yale

    Getting Up was easy then I expected to be, it might be the sun sunny right through my curtain make it look like 9o’clock but really in reality in was 5o’clock in the morning.
    I switched the TV on as I’m going to the bathroom.

    Half hour before the bus come, I was sitting on the sofa watching news with no interest because my head was fill with my summer holidays memories its was fun.
    It’s had gone so fasts these last 2 months.

    Seven o’clock, I star walking down to the bus stop where I will be meeting my friend Chrissy who I had known from school.
    The course she will be doing in college is Performance Art because she dreams of performance on a stage in West London theatre, And I will be doing Art and Design special in Fashion and Textiles doing to my dream to be come well-known in fashion.

    Finally Chrissy turns in just on the bus arrive. We both got on the bus with our other friend Alice who we known from school and she will be joining my course. They were two boys and one girls form my school.

    The bus journey were super long and super silence due to car sicken everyone feel ill.
    As the bus stop we quickly rush out to get fresh air before we thought up.
    After we got our breath back and feeling better other question pop in our head how are we going to spend our fitly five minutes? .
    A bunch of peoples waited outside by the gate with no clue where to go including us too.
    We spent fitly five minutes outside by the gate waited.
    Looking at entrance I could see every building, each one had different letters in front they building which explain the different sections.
    I didn’t pay much attention to other buildings expect from my Art building or should I say “ My education house for the next 2years”, this will be fun I can feel the vibe just looking at it. This three store building with a black room and a gallery of there own, it’s totally where I belong.
    I heard Alice, the Queen of Gossip saying “The place used to be a hospital and where the black room in the basement use to be mermen.
    Creepy, but it not going to put me down on my first day, NO WAY! I just don’t have to go there problem solve. Alice counted with her gossip with the flint bus crew, I wasn’t pay a lot attention whise my thoughts, thought this will be my second times going through those door but this time as Yale college student study Art& Design special pathway Fashion and Textiles (COOL TITLE).
    It’s the opposite when I had my interview whice I was still in school doing my GCSE’s and being taught what to do by teacher, Here I can see a little freedom, staring to do the thing o enjoy and passionate and this one is the biggest in advantage why college much better then school is no more uniform, but that mean I had to buy twince the amount of clothes in shorter times and link to money I don’t have a part time job, Am boom.



    this essay is not finsh.


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #2

    Re: please check!

    LOL! Hi, Suchada!

    This was entertaining and fun to read. If you're going to use breezy and conversational expressions, then look for ways to be consistent throughout -- add more conversation, more slangy ideas and phrases. Doing so will cause complications, but it will be worth it.

    This was a funny and interesting story, and a good capture of personality and stage of life.

    My First Impression of Yale

    Getting Up was easy then I expected to be
    Getting up was easier than I expected it to be,

    , it might be the sun sunny right through my curtain make it look like 9o’clock but really in reality in was 5o’clock in the morning.
    I suppose because the sun streaming through my window made it look like 9 am -- even though it was really only five o'clock.

    I switched the TV on as I’m going to the bathroom.
    > If you're not going to take this anywhere, don't put it in

    Half hour before the bus come, I was sitting on the sofa watching news with no interest
    I'm ready thirty minutes before I have to leave for the bus, so I kill time by switching on the news.

    because my head was fill with my summer holidays memories its was fun.

    It’s had gone so fasts these last 2 months.
    > Now don't change the subject
    > This essay is supposed to be about Yale
    > You haven't even mentioned it yet
    > This is a good time to bring it in
    But I can hardly pay attention. All I can think about is that this is my first day at Yale. Me! At Yale!

    Seven o’clock, I star walking down to the bus stop where I will be meeting my friend Chrissy who I had known from school.
    At seven, I bounce down the stairs and run to the bus stop. My friend Chrissy's already there.

    The course she will be doing in college is Performance Art because she dreams of performance on a stage in West London theatre, And I will be doing Art and Design special in Fashion and Textiles doing to my dream to be come well-known in fashion.

    She's doing Performance Arts. She dreams of appearing on the West London stage. I plan on becoming famous in fashion design. My major is Art & Design, Specializing in Fashion and Textiles. WAY cool major, right? It gives me a thrill every time I say those words.


    Finally Chrissy turns in just on the bus arrive. We both got on the bus with our other friend Alice who we known from school and she will be joining my course. They were two boys and one girls form my school.
    > Never mind about these people. On with the story!

    The bus journey were super long and super silence due to car sicken everyone feel ill. As the bus stop we quickly rush out to get fresh air before we thought up.
    > This is one of the most entertaining parts of this story, and I don't have the heart to "correct" it into dullness

    After we got our breath back and feeling better other question pop in our head how are we going to spend our fitly five minutes? .A bunch of peoples waited outside by the gate with no clue where to go including us too. We spent fitly five minutes outside by the gate waited.
    > If I were you, I'd leave this just as it is.

    Looking at entrance I could see every building, each one had different letters in front they building which explain the different sections.
    > Delete this. On with the story!

    I didn’t pay much attention to other buildings expect from my Art building or should I say “ My education house for the next 2years”,
    I have eyes only for my Art building -- or should I say, "My education house for the next two years."

    this will be fun I can feel the vibe just looking at it. This three store building with a black room and a gallery of there own, it’s totally where I belong.

    I can feel the vibe just by looking at it -- so much fun! -- a three-story building with a black room and a gallery of its own. This is totally where I belong.

    I heard Alice, the Queen of Gossip saying “The place used to be a hospital and where the black room in the basement use to be mermen.
    Alice, the Queen of Gossip says, "This used to be a hospital, and where the black room in the basement is now used to be mermen."

    Creepy, but it not going to put me down on my first day, NO WAY! I just don’t have to go there problem solve.
    Creepy, but there's no way it's going to bring me down on my first day. I just don't have to go there, so -- Problem solved, Alice!

    Alice counted with her gossip with the flint bus crew, I wasn’t pay a lot attention whise my thoughts, thought this will be my second times going through those door but this time as Yale college student study Art& Design special pathway Fashion and Textiles (COOL TITLE).
    Alice keeps on gossiping with the flint bus crew, but I don't pay a lot of attention. I'm thinking that today is my second time to go through those doors -- only this time it will be as a Yale college student in Art & Design, with a Special Pathway in Fashion and Textiles. What a COOL TITLE!

    It’s the opposite when I had my interview whice I was still in school doing my GCSE’s and being taught what to do by teacher, Here I can see a little freedom, staring to do the thing o enjoy and passionate and this one is the biggest in advantage why college much better then school is no more uniform, but that mean I had to buy twince the amount of clothes in shorter times and link to money I don’t have a part time job,
    This is way better than when I was here for the first time for my interview. Then I was still a schoolgirl under the control of my teachers. Here I'm going to have the freedom to do the things I'm passionate about and not wear a uniform. I already had to buy twice as many clothes all at once, and I don't even have a part-time job.

    Am boom.

    > I found this remark somewhat mysterious




    Last edited by Ann1977; 21-Oct-2009 at 01:58.

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