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    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Post Is this sentence correct?

    Hi am writing my personal essay for college applications and I was wondering if this sentence was correct or if it could be improved because it doesn't sound right to me. Thank you.


    I still have nightmares about having to jump on my dad to protect my mom when I was ten and listening to my dad’s heart wrenching cries over the phone, begging to coming home, repeating the same five words, “Don’t you want your daddy?”


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,131
    #2

    Re: Is this sentence correct?

    Quote Originally Posted by deepsand View Post
    Hi am writing my personal essay for college applications and I was wondering if this sentence was correct or if it could be improved because it doesn't sound right to me. Thank you.


    I still have nightmares about having to jump on my dad to protect my mom when I was ten and listening to my dad’s heart wrenching cries over the phone, begging to coming home, repeating the same five words, “Don’t you want your daddy?”
    There are two different episodes here, and they are not alike enough to be joined with just that "and."

    I think you should revise it like this:

    I still have nightmares about jumping on my dad to protect my mom when I was only ten. And in my mind I can still hear my dad's heart-wrenching cries over the phone as he begged to come home: "Don't you want your daddy?"



    I think you must be too old to refer to your parents as "my mom" and "my dad." I think you should refer to them as "my mother" and "my father."


    I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But you seem to have done well in spite of difficulty, and no one knows if sadness and trouble may even have influenced you for the good.

    Best wishes in your college career.

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