Your essay is, in gneral superb, but there is little doubt>>>
1. Organization si not clarified very good.
2. There no sights of any "LINKING WORDS"
I'll advise your to take the book called " Successful Writing"-it is really exelent book to improve your writing skills.
You can take the current book from the website: englishtips.org
At first register!!!!
Student or Learner