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    • Join Date: Nov 2009
    • Posts: 1

    Question need comments on my essay

    Hi everybody !

    My name is noni and currently I'm working on my essay for a scholarship application. So it's a motivation statement why I would like to enroll for such program etc.

    I already made some corrections based on peer reviews, then I put some new words and I would like to know your opinion about my essay.
    [ Suggestions, corrections also welcome ]

    So here it is....

    After graduating from medical school in 2005, I performed a 9 month public service in Sumbawa Island, one of the least developed and remote region in the eastern part of Indonesia. .........
    Those experiences has broadened my mindset. I believe that if we invested more on money on health promotion and disease prevention, health condition would have been better in Sumbawa. Therefore, I became more interested in learning about making health policy that is more supportive on health promotion and disease prevention appropriate to the social determinants of the health condition of a particular population, not simply in therapeutic aspect.

    In July 2008 I joined IMPACT -..... The province has the highest cumulative number of AIDS cases in Indonesia. Being part of the working group, I work in partnership with the district health office and with injected drugs users, commercial sex workers and transgender groups to develop better health care management for people living with HIV-AIDS. This experience also raised my concern in sexual and reproductive health, as this subject is very connected to encounter the HIV-AIDS issues. It was obviously seen that the current interventions has not yet targeted sexual/steady partners of high risks populations. This missing awareness has brought impact increasing number of new HIV incidence among low risk women and their children.

    My practical knowledge in this field has further strengthened my intention to pursue a career in public health, specifically in reproductive health. In order to do that, getting a Master’s Degree in Public Health with a concentration on maternal/child and reproductive health is a must for me.
    The Master degree in Public Health program will provide me with the necessary training to develop policies to intervene with most salient health issues in the community. After I have finished the program I am going to return to Indonesia and work either in an academic or policy making setting. I am sure that I will be able to give a significant contribution to the development of health programmes at the community level, as well as building a more conducive environment through more progressive health policies

    Lastly, the opportunity to study in an international context through this program will be beneficial for my career plan, in terms of ....
    Thank you very much in advance for the comments & inputs !

    Last edited by dona0kt; 11-Dec-2009 at 09:06.

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