It's all completely understandable, but not much of it is good colloquial English.
You haven't extended yourself much by the use of more complex clauses or constructions (for example, you've used a few coordinate clauses, but have attempted no subordinating clauses).
Again, you've made a few errors with the past tenses, and have avoided making more by sticking to the present and future for most of the essay.
From me, today: 13/20 for a lower intermediate level.

Student or Learner
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