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    #1

    Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Hi Forum

    First of all, I am new here and hope that I am writing in the correct section, (and yes I did read the rules and am impressed that there is a forum which forces you to write "I" instead of "i" :)....and I hope smiley faces are ok)

    anyway...

    I am translating an article to English and was wondering if somebody could help me with the wording in some sentences, I am generally pretty proficient at these things but there is just this one sentence that doesnt seem to read right.

    this is the sentence:

    "After the unexpected carriage of the death sentence of Ehsan Fatahian, who had been accused of waging war against god and of being a member of one of the Kurdish oppositionist parties, a wave of opposition to capital punishment swept through not only Iran but also the entire international community"

    I know (well I hope anyway) that sentence is probably technically correct but to me it just reads a bit clumsily, more specifically I am talking about the bit that says: "...the unexpected carriage of the death sentence..." is there a less cumbersome way of saying that while still remaining true to the original? remember I am translating from another language so I am trying to keep it as close to the original as possible.

    thanks for reading my post

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    #2

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Hi and welcome!

    "carriage" is not correct there. 'carrying out' is correct.


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    #3

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    ah ok thanks for that, i thought "carrying out" might be better, but when i read over it it makes the sentence sound even more clunky, because its adding more words, is there another way to say this while reducing the length of it?

    Sorry I do realise that its a bit vague of a question but I just would like the sentence to flow better I guess and am a bit lost.

    cheers

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    #4

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by freedom for all View Post
    Hi Forum


    "After the unexpected carriage of the death sentence of Ehsan Fatahian, who had been accused of waging war against god and of being a member of one of the Kurdish oppositionist parties, a wave of opposition to capital punishment swept through not only Iran but also the entire international community"
    hi freedom.....

    First of all, unless I'm missing something subtle "opposionist" should be replaced by 'opposition'. "oppositionist" apparently is a real word, but it must be extremely rarely used.

    Secondy, we probably can do something with "who had been accused of". Since the person was executed, presumably he was first convicted of the 'crimes' mentioned. If so, we can say '....Ehsan Fatahian, convicted of waging.....'.

    Thirdly, we definitely can do away with "not only...but also".
    '.....swept through Iran and the entire....'.


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    #5

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by 2006 View Post
    hi freedom.....

    First of all, unless I'm missing something subtle "opposionist" should be replaced by 'opposition'. "oppositionist" apparently is a real word, but it must be extremely rarely used.

    Secondy, we probably can do something with "who had been accused of". Since the person was executed, presumably he was first convicted of the 'crimes' mentioned. If so, we can say '....Ehsan Fatahian, convicted of waging.....'.

    Thirdly, we definitely can do away with "not only...but also".
    '.....swept through Iran and the entire....'.
    thanks for the reply 2006

    all very good points there, the only thing is that with "not only...but also" that was actually they way it war written in the original language to create emphasis and of course it flowed much better in the original and reads clunky in English if translated word for word. So what is generally the protocol with translations of this nature? is the translator allowed to slightly change the sentence structures and the words around? naturally I am trying to be as precise as possible.

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    #6

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by freedom for all View Post
    thanks for the reply 2006

    all very good points there, the only thing is that with "not only...but also" that was actually they way it war written in the original language to create emphasis and of course it flowed much better in the original and reads clunky in English if translated word for word. So what is generally the protocol with translations of this nature? is the translator allowed to slightly change the sentence structures and the words around? naturally I am trying to be as precise as possible.
    I don't know anything about the rules of translation, but obviously any word changes can't change the meaning or even the emphasis. So if you think "not only..but also" should be kept, it should be kept.
    You seemed to want relative brevity, but that sentence says a lot so you obviously can't shorten it too much.
    You should check with someone who knows about translating.

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    #7

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by freedom for all View Post
    "After the unexpected carriage of the death sentence of Ehsan Fatahian, who had been accused of waging war against god and of being a member of one of the Kurdish oppositionist parties, a wave of opposition to capital punishment swept through not only Iran but also the entire international community"
    Hi Freedom,
    I'm not a translator but here are my two cents.

    1. I'd write "After the unexpected sentencing of the death penalty of Ehsan Fatahian...". After he was convicted, the carrying out or the execution of his sentence is not really unexpected.

    2. Why do you use "god" and not "God"? Again only you know the original.

    3. To be accused of simply being an oppositionist is foreign to many cultures unless the Kurdish opposition party is outlawed? Since you must be true to the original, there is probably not much room for explanation. I agree with '2006' that "opposition party" is a better choice of word because "oppositionist" already means a member of an opposition.


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    #8

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by syku View Post
    Hi Freedom,
    I'm not a translator but here are my two cents.

    1. I'd write "After the unexpected sentencing of the death penalty of Ehsan Fatahian...". After he was convicted, the carrying out or the execution of his sentence is not really unexpected.

    2. Why do you use "god" and not "God"? Again only you know the original.

    3. To be accused of simply being an oppositionist is foreign to many cultures unless the Kurdish opposition party is outlawed? Since you must be true to the original, there is probably not much room for explanation. I agree with '2006' that "opposition party" is a better choice of word because "oppositionist" already means a member of an opposition.
    wow thanks heaps everyone, this forum is very helpful

    now regarding the above post:

    1. Actually it was the carrying out of the sentence which was unexpected in this case, because it was carried out very swiftly shortly after the sentencing when usually after conviction the condemned is on death row for quite a while and has certain legal rights to appeal etc...so in this case at the time that this was carried out nobody was expecting it to happen (even though they knew that the sentence had been handed down) hope that made sense...

    2. re: god; no reason just an oversight, i will fix that

    3. yes agreed I will change that to "opposition party", and yes the original is a bit vague, I think what they mean to say is a "separatist party" but I am not entirely sure, I will check that out with the author though...also what could be meant here by "opposition party" is that it is an "opposition" to the entire regime rather than opposition to a particular party that is in power at the time

  2. syku's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    You have answered your own question. "After the unexpected swift execution of Ehsan Fatahian, who had (just) been convicted of ...". Again, your hands are tied to say anything more about the timeline.

    Yes, I also think that the "opposition parties" are political parties, if they are allowed in Iran, rather than simply a group of people opposing the government.
    Last edited by syku; 19-Dec-2009 at 10:43.


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    #10

    Re: Hi, im new here, some help on a sentence i am translating please

    Quote Originally Posted by syku View Post
    I see. You answer your own question. "After the unexpected swift execution of Ehsan Fatahian, who had (just) been convicted of ...". Again, your hands are tied to say anything more about the timeline.

    Yes, I also think that the "opposition parties" are political parties, if they are allowed in Iran, rather than simply a group of people opposing the government.
    yes i agree with both your points i guess it all comes down to the limitations of the original, as the word "swift" is just not there, but the implication is for an Iranian audience

    I think one thing i have learnt is that i need to consult with the author as I am translating

    as for Opposition again I think there is a lot of implications, for example because of the history I think the author assumes that a "kurdish opposition party" in Iran is by nature going to be against the regime...but I agree that it is not good writing practice

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