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  1. new2grammar's Avatar
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    #1

    Kindly check a little conversation


    I thought to break the news; anyhow he would come to know about it sooner; so why to delay it. I waited till he sat down comfortably. I leaned forward on my chair, filled a glass of water and offered him. He declined it saying, ‘No thanks’. He said, ‘I guess we are here to discuss something important’. ‘Right,’ I replied. ‘It is regarding the contract we agreed upon last year,’ I continued. I could see he was sensing what is coming his way, as his face was filled with a sudden anxiety.

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    #2

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    I thought to break the news; anyhow he would come to know about it sooner; so why to delay it. I waited till he sat down comfortably. I leaned forward on my chair, filled a glass of water and offered him. He declined it saying, ‘No thanks’. He said, ‘I guess we are here to discuss something important’. ‘Right,’ I replied. ‘It is regarding the contract we agreed upon last year,’ I continued. I could see he was sensing what is coming his way, as his face was filled with a sudden anxiety.
    (NOT a teacher) I decided to tell him the news because he would eventually find out about it. I waited until he had comfortably sat down. I leaned forward in my chair and offered a glass of water, which he declined. "I guess we're here to discuss something important," he said. "Right," I answered. "It's about the contract we agreed upon last year." His anxiety-ridden face showed that he had sensed what was coming his way.

  2. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    I thought to break the news; anyhow he would come to know about it sooner; so why to delay it. I waited till he sat down comfortably. I leaned forward on my chair, filled a glass of water and offered him. He declined it saying, ‘No thanks’. He said, ‘I guess we are here to discuss something important’. ‘Right,’ I replied. ‘It is regarding the contract we agreed upon last year,’ I continued. I could see he was sensing what is coming his way, as his face was filled with a sudden anxiety.
    I thought to break the news; anyway he would come to know about it soon, so why delay it. I waited till he sat down comfortably. I leaned forward on my chair, filled a glass of water and offered it to him. He declined it saying, ‘No thanks’. He said, ‘I guess we are here to discuss something important’. ‘Right,’ I replied. ‘It is regarding the contract we agreed upon last year". I could see he was sensing what was coming next, because of the sudden anxiety which filled his face.

    I've tried to improve it without changing your writing style too much.

  3. new2grammar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by bhaisahab View Post
    I thought to break the news; anyway he would come to know about it soon, so why delay it. I waited till he sat down comfortably. I leaned forward on my chair, filled a glass of water and offered it to him. He declined it saying, ‘No thanks’. He said, ‘I guess we are here to discuss something important’. ‘Right,’ I replied. ‘It is regarding the contract we agreed upon last year". I could see he was sensing what was coming next, because of the sudden anxiety which filled his face.

    I've tried to improve it without changing your writing style too much.
    Thanks for your kind help..hope you liked my writing style..it is perfect for a novel..

  4. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    Thanks for your kind help..hope you liked my writing style..it is perfect for a novel..
    I like your writing style.

  5. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    However, I would urge you to follow the convention of starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  6. new2grammar's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    However, I would urge you to follow the convention of starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
    I will definitely keep this precious rule in mind from hereon

  7. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    I also think this style is much more natural and easier to read than the advertising copy you post.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  8. new2grammar's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    I also think this style is much more natural and easier to read than the advertising copy you post.
    So I should start writing novels now

  9. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Kindly check a little conversation

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    So I should start writing novels now
    Maybe you could introduce some of that style into your advertising copy.

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