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    • Join Date: Nov 2009
    • Posts: 18
    #1

    Question Dearest teachers and learners..helllllllp

    Hello everyone i want help from you,, i have to write Personal statement approximately 250 words, in English to apply for internship in Germany .. So i wrote this and i want you to see if there is any errors, i will be really thankful for you.. Thanks a lot


    To all summer internship sponsors and all collaborators whom engaged in this successful work. I am really thankful for you all to give me and all Emirate Engineering students this valuable chance which every student around the world dreaming of. I was really touched when I knew about this summer internship during the presentation I attended in the CERT. I was very proud that I am one of the UAE female citizens and I was happy to meet the Germanys doctors and teachers. From that time until now I am dreaming to get the chance to join you and try your study atmosphere.

    My major is software engineering and I am studying everything related to programming and working with computer software over all. In this summer internship I can gain more experience of knowing about the programs you are using and how to fix all the errors and spam. I am really interested in entering the clean room and see how this new technology works is.

    Although I think that I may not be accepted for this internship, this feeling did not stop me from trying because I know well that this is one of my ambitious and when I want to achieve thing, I tried my best to succeed. Although my level mat not be accepted, although you may feel that I am lacing for experience, I can guaranteed you that I am a trusted person and I attend to do more than you ask me for. I am hard worker student I am not afraid of any new challenges and I can face it with strong desire. Finally I am looking forward to work in the SemiconductorCompany which will be establish in the UAE after three years and I have the honor to be one of its employee.


    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • German
      • Home Country:
      • Germany
      • Current Location:
      • Canada

    • Join Date: Nov 2008
    • Posts: 1,032
    #2

    Re: Dearest teachers and learners..helllllllp

    Quote Originally Posted by Asayel View Post
    Hello everyone i want help from you,, i have to write Personal statement approximately 250 words, in English to apply for internship in Germany .. So i wrote this and i want you to see if there is any errors, i will be really thankful for you.. Thanks a lot


    To all summer internship sponsors and all collaborators whom engaged in this successful work. I am really thankful for you all to give me and all Emirate Engineering students this valuable chance which every student around the world dreaming of. I was really touched when I knew about this summer internship during the presentation I attended in the CERT. I was very proud that I am one of the UAE female citizens and I was happy to meet the Germanys doctors and teachers. From that time until now I am dreaming to get the chance to join you and try your study atmosphere.

    My major is software engineering and I am studying everything related to programming and working with computer software over all. In this summer internship I can gain more experience of knowing about the programs you are using and how to fix all the errors and spam. I am really interested in entering the clean room and see how this new technology works is.

    Although I think that I may not be accepted for this internship, this feeling did not stop me from trying because I know well that this is one of my ambitious and when I want to achieve thing, I tried my best to succeed. Although my level mat not be accepted, although you may feel that I am lacing for experience, I can guaranteed you that I am a trusted person and I attend to do more than you ask me for. I am hard worker student I am not afraid of any new challenges and I can face it with strong desire. Finally I am looking forward to work in the SemiconductorCompany which will be establish in the UAE after three years and I have the honor to be one of its employee.


    I don't have time to go through all of this right now, but I feel that you need to change the tone of the beginning of the last paragraph. Your first three sentences are very negative, you are telling them that you expect to be turned down. Don't do that. Change those sentences into something positive, then post it here again, and someone will help you.

    Viel Glück!

  1. euncu's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Turkish
      • Home Country:
      • Turkey
      • Current Location:
      • Turkey

    • Join Date: Aug 2009
    • Posts: 1,314
    #3

    Re: Dearest teachers and learners..helllllllp

    Quote Originally Posted by Asayel View Post
    Hello everyone i want help from you,, i have to write Personal statement approximately 250 words, in English to apply for internship in Germany .. So i wrote this and i want you to see if there is any errors, i will be really thankful for you.. Thanks a lot


    To all summer internship sponsors and all collaborators who
    mengagedinvolved in this successful work. I am really thankfulgratefulforto all of you alltofor giv-e-ing me and all Emirate Engineering students from Emirates, this valuable chance which every student around the world dreaming of. I was really touched(.?impressed?) when I knew about this summer internship during the presentation I attended in the CERT. I was very proud that I am one of the UAE female citizens and I was happy to meet the Germanys doctors and teachers. From that time until now since then I am have been dreaming to get the chance to join you and try your study atmosphere.

    My major is software engineering and I am studying everything related to programming and working with computer
    (sounds ambiguous,are you referring to the ones for PC not for other electronic devices?If all,just "software" sounds better)software (over all?). In this summer internship I can gain more experience of knowing extend my knowledge about the programs you are using and how to fix all the errors and spam(s). I am really interested in entering the clean room and see how this new technology works is.

    Although I think that I may not be accepted for this internship, this feeling did not stop me from trying because I
    do know well that this is one of my ambitiouns and when I want to achieve thing, I tried my best to succeed (All this sentence long,I couldn't figure out what tense you mean to use ). Although my level mat(math level?)(not be accepted have you a low math level that is inadequate,is that what you mean?), although you may feel that I am lacing forlack the experience, I can guaranteed you that I am a trusted person and I attend to do more than you ask me for. I am hard workering student I am not afraid of any new challenges and I can face it passionatelywith strong desire. Finally, I am looking forward to working in the SemiconductorCompany which will be establish in the UAE after three years and I have the honor it will be an honour for me to be one of its employees.

    I might have skipped some other errors but all in all, it still doesn't seem to be formal enough. Maybe a native-speaker will be more helpful.

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