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  1. pahal98713
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    #1

    Wink poem------reword

    Instead of remaining a citizen of China, I willingly became an
    ox.
    I intended to come to America to earn a living.
    The Western styled buildings are lofty; but I have not the
    luck to live in them.
    How was anyone to know that my dwelling place would be a
    prison?

    i need help re-wording these sentences....but remember this is a poem

  2. Raymott's Avatar
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      • English
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      • Australia
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    #2

    Re: poem------reword

    Quote Originally Posted by pahal98713 View Post
    Instead of remaining a citizen of China, I willingly
    became an ox.
    I intended to come to America to earn a living.
    The Western styled buildings are lofty; but I have not had
    the luck to live in them.
    How was anyone to know that my dwelling place
    would be a prison?

    i need help re-wording these sentences....but remember this is a poem
    It doesn't need much rewording at all. It's good.

    If it were my poem, I'd rearrange the lines as above.
    Putting single words on a new line can be an effective technique in introducing a surprise, or an unexpected change of theme. But finishing a line with 'a' and 'an' signals your strategy, and makes the effective seem a bit forced. (In my opinion). I'd at least put the article on the next line with 'ox' and 'prison'.

    I'd like to read more of your poems.
    PS: You might like to post them on the Poetry, Prose & Songs forum.
    Last edited by Raymott; 17-Jan-2010 at 08:20.

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