poem------reword

[pahal98713]

Instead of remaining a citizen of China, I willingly became an
ox.
I intended to come to America to earn a living.
The Western styled buildings are lofty; but I have not the
luck to live in them.
How was anyone to know that my dwelling place would be a
prison?

i need help re-wording these sentences....but remember this is a poem

 

[Raymott]

Instead of remaining a citizen of China, I willingly
became an ox.
I intended to come to America to earn a living.
The Western styled buildings are lofty; but I have not had
the luck to live in them.
How was anyone to know that my dwelling place
would be a prison?

i need help re-wording these sentences....but remember this is a poem

It doesn't need much rewording at all. It's good.

If it were my poem, I'd rearrange the lines as above.
Putting single words on a new line can be an effective technique in introducing a surprise, or an unexpected change of theme. But finishing a line with 'a' and 'an' signals your strategy, and makes the effective seem a bit forced. (In my opinion). I'd at least put the article on the next line with 'ox' and 'prison'.

I'd like to read more of your poems.
PS: You might like to post them on the Poetry, Prose & Songs forum.