Pls check my draft inter office memo

[Eugene1982]

Hello everyone,

Please check my draft memo below. I would be very glad hearing from any one of you as soon as possible. Many thanks then.
==============================================

DATE : JANUARY 30, 2010
TO : ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS
FROM : GENERAL MANAGER
SUBJECT : INTRODUCTION OF QUALITY MANAGEMENT SYSTEM (QMS)


You are all hereby directed to attend the meeting on Wednesday, 6th February 2010, 1 PM at the Office Conference Room.

Main agendum would be the introduction of the Quality Management System (QMS) which had been initially introduced last 19th January 2010. A series of orientation on this system to all departments will be scheduled soon.

Your full attendance is a must.

For your information and compliance.

Engr. Abcde Fghijklm
General Manager

[Eugene1982]

Hi all,

Kindly check my draft here. Many thanks in advance.

[Barb_D]

The main item on the agenda will be...

Attendance is mandatory.

(Is this how people generally talk to each other? Here it would be more like "There is a mandatory meeting at... We will discuss... It's essential that you be there." We would not say "You are hereby directed.")

[Searching for language]

Hello everyone,

Please check my draft memo below. I would be very glad hearing from any one of you as soon as possible. Many thanks then.
==============================================

DATE : JANUARY 30, 2010
TO : ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS
FROM : GENERAL MANAGER
SUBJECT : INTRODUCTION OF QUALITY MANAGEMENT SYSTEM (QMS)


You are all hereby directed to attend the meeting on Wednesday, 6th February 2010, 1 PM 1:pm at in the Office Conference Room. office conference room does not require capitals.

Main agendum would will be the introduction of the Quality Management System (QMS) which had been was initially introduced last 19th January 2010. A series of orientation sessions on this system to all departments will be scheduled soon.

Your full attendance is a must. Since at the beginning of this notice, you mention hereby directed, this sentence is really not necessary.

For your information and compliance. I don't know what this is for either, this makes it look like you are an army general or a dictator.

I would end this with something a little more friendly like, "I look forward to a productive meeting with everyone."

Engr. Abcde Fghijklm
General Manager

Delete the bold, and pay attention to the red! I am not a teacher.