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    • Join Date: Feb 2010
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    #1

    Smile Teachers, Please grade this & help me improve it, its for AP Eng. Thank you so much!

    Write an essay on the problem of homelessness in your town or city. Use examples to support your view of the problem and a possible solution.

    Nevertheless of the town or city that you live in, you’re bound to see a homeless person down the block. That person may be standing or eventually walking towards their search of their destination; whether the destination is under a tree to get away from the sizzling heat or stand and await outside a corner store to ask a customer for some change for food, drink, or maybe saving up for extra clothing. My hometown is Chicago, specifically Rogers Park and here there is a handful of homelessness. I think the reason there are many homeless wandering around every neighborhood is because of the way our government runs, as well as the people with a shelter. “As winter approaches, the mayor of New York City is moving the homeless off the streets and into Bellevue Hospital.” Ascher witness’ the government actually helping the homeless, but in what ways would you call this help? I don’t see help anywhere; I see pity and the consideration for that pity. Just by hospitalizing the homeless, how will there be a difference? Sooner or later, they will have to leave the hospital and start to wander off again for some change or a miracle of the day to help them live. Rather then providing them with the materials for a couple of moments, how about the government actually tries to do something and help them with employment, or create a homeless shelter in which people are actually wanting to volunteer to help, like the people Ascher saw during her daily adventure in NYC. By providing the homelessness with some employment, or even a bit of education, they will feel useful in the world, and won’t have to be a beggar anymore. I blame government because in the present time, it may be hard to find jobs for the homeless because of the faulty economy, and the fact that in some places, such as my own town, they choose to relocate some of the homeless people for the citizens’ safety. What about those people’s safety? They’re human beings, as well as American citizens, so why they should be given the same benefits. A possible solution for the wandering homelessness would be to provide an institution in every city, even if it’s a small institute, as long as they’ll be able to learn knowledge and be able to work for their daily feed and warmth. Other then that, if I were them, I’d be awaiting my death every second. If the woman like from excerpt, “The owner of the shop, a moody French woman, emerges from the kitchen with seaming coffee in a Styrofoam cup, and a small paper bag of… of what? Yesterday’s bread? Today’s croissant?” exists in many human beings, than I don’t see a problem in the homeless’ future with that institute. If the government is lucky enough, they could find volunteers rather then having to pay the generous people who want to share their knowledge and expand a helping hand.


    • Join Date: Feb 2010
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    #2

    Re: Teachers, Please grade this & help me improve it, its for AP Eng. Thank you so mu

    It is understandable and largely spelt correctly, but you tend to add phrases that are not needed. You could start In any city you live in, you're bound to see a homeless person, that person may be standing or walking towards their destination. Adding extra words is not incorrect, but trimming what you say down will make your writing more interesting. I liked your use of questions to emphasise your point, this is called rhetoric, and is used in politics: however, you should use it sparingly. The only error I spotted is "is a handful of homeless", this being a plural, should have are. I think after a shaky start, you began to express yourself naturally: it is alway best to say what you feel without trying too hard to be formal. People will forgive small mistakes more quickly than falseness.

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Teachers, Please grade this & help me improve it, its for AP Eng. Thank you so mu

    Quote Originally Posted by fountofwisdom View Post
    You could start, "In any city you live in, you're bound to see a homeless person, that person may be standing or walking towards their destination."
    You could, but you'd have a badly-formed sentence. What you've written is two sentences joined by a comma (the red one).


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    #4

    Re: Teachers, Please grade this & help me improve it, its for AP Eng. Thank you so mu

    You could, but you'd have a badly-formed sentence.----Pot, kettle and black---discuss.

  2. Raymott's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Teachers, Please grade this & help me improve it, its for AP Eng. Thank you so mu

    Quote Originally Posted by fountofwisdom View Post
    You could, but you'd have a badly-formed sentence.----Pot, kettle and black---discuss.
    Sorry, I'm not calling anyone names. I was pointing out an error you made. If you'd prefer not to be corrected, just say so. But this is, after all, an English teaching site. It's what we do here.

    I'd love to discuss the error that you've found in my sentence. What is it?
    We could also discuss that saying if you like.

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