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  1. Unregistered
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    #1

    please reword this sentence it is awkward!

    By giving Connie’s personal feelings and thoughts about herself, boys, her family, and Arnold Friend, whom represents Schmid in Oates’ story, Oates proves to the reader that Connie is not at fault for getting involved with Arnold Friend.

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    #2

    Re: please reword this sentence it is awkward!

    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    By giving Connie’s personal feelings and thoughts about herself, boys, her family, and Arnold Friend, whom represents Schmid in Oates’ story, Oates proves to the reader that Connie is not at fault for getting involved with Arnold Friend.
    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****

    Good morning.

    The best that I can come up with is something like:

    To convince the reader that Connie is not at fault for getting involved with Arnold Friend, Oates describes Connie's feelings about herself, boys, her family, and Arnold, who represents Schmid.

  2. kfredson's Avatar

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    #3

    Re: please reword this sentence it is awkward!

    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    By giving Connie’s personal feelings and thoughts about herself, boys, her family, and Arnold Friend, whom represents Schmid in Oates’ story, Oates proves to the reader that Connie is not at fault for getting involved with Arnold Friend.
    Yes, I would agree with TheParser that it might be best to reverse the order of what is said here; however, I do not actually find the original sentence to be awkward. It seems clear enough, and the author may have a reason for stating it in this way. The word "whom" should be changed to "who," however.

  3. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: please reword this sentence it is awkward!

    And I find myself agreeing with kfredson again. One suggestion would be to put "who represents Schmid in the story" in parentheses. This would eliminate one set of commas from the entire sentence and make the critical path a bit more clear.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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