Here are some (mostly grammatical) changes I believe would make your essay read better.
Nowadays money has become one of the most important things in our lives. People work to earn money and spend this money for paying taxes, for expenses and so on. (I would reword this, ‘spend money on taxes, expenses…’ ) However, it does not mean that money is everything for people. Some people think that money is a crucial factor that determines
doeswhether thisa person is successful or not. Others think scontrary to them. I strongly believe that money havehas (money is singular) nothing to do with success. Below I would like to illustrate several reasons and examples to support my point of view.
First and foremost, I would like to mention that the most important factor that determines success is self-satisfaction. People cannot feel themselves successful if they have no satisfaction. Everybody
havehas different ways to reach self-satisfaction, some like to work and earn a lot of money, others like extreme sports and so on. However, only people who can find their own path in this life and can reach self-satisfaction, can be determined as successful people.
Moreover, it is crucial to indicate that people, who could not find happiness in this life, cannot be successful. (Since you’re not going to talk about the ‘next life’ I’d suggest that you cross out ‘this’) Main think (goal?) in our life is happiness. For instance, my friend had a work ('job' is a better word here) with high payment. He had a huge home, his own car, and I thought that he
iswas (you chose to speak in the past tense) successful because he got everything that he wanted. However, when I talked with him I understood that he didn't have haven’tone important thing; and this thing was happiness. He had no one to share this huge home with; he had no family; he was spendspent most of his time inat work. andThe only thing that he needed at home was bed, and so because of this, he did not feel himself successful, and dropped this job soon.
On the other hand, each coin has two sides: its worst to point out that there are some situations where my option does not work. (What does the underlined part mean here? 'The worst side of the coin' or is it a misspelling of 'it's worth to point out…'?) Without money people cannot be successful as well. Nowadays money plays the main role in our lives: in order to survive, we need money. We need money to keep our families and so if we could
afford toearn enough money to do all of this, we will be able to countconsider ourselves prosperous.
Taking into account all reasons and details listed above, I would like to accentuate that money
havehas nothing to do with success.(But you've said the exact opposite just a few sentences above) first reasonThe most important factor that determines success is self-satisfaction, secondas people who could not find happiness in thislife, cannot be successful.
Student or Learner