does this letter sound natural and professional?

[yshocha]

Please help me and correct my letter.
Instead of the president of our society, I need to send a letter like the following to a doctor in Spain!
This is a kind of important one because of money-related matters and that is why I need to be careful.
Thank you very much in advance for your help!


Dear Dr. XXX,
As President of the JGXX, I would like to thank you for all of your cooperation for our Society activities and your offer that three hundred Spanish endoscopists of the SDEF would join us with membership.
We are sending you the attached invoice for the JGXX International Membership (300 members) for the year 2010. We hereby request you to send the payment to us by check or bank transfer. In addition, we would also like to request you to send us a list of each member’s name, institution and e-mail address, for our membership information.
We will send our journal, DEN, to the Foundation at the address shown above all at once, as kindly offered, when payment is received and confirmed.
Then, the publisher, WB, will contact you by email shortly regarding the Society member online access for DEN. Every issue (four issues per year) will be send to the Foundation, continuously
We hope there will be more and more active exchanges between Spainish and Japanese doctors in the future.
Your continued cooperation will be greatly appreciated.　
Best regards,
XXX

 

[tedtmc]

Please help me [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] correct my letter.

Instead of the president of our society, I need to send [STRIKE]a letter like[/STRIKE]the following letter to a doctor in Spain! (The two clauses don't seem to be related at all.)This is a kind of important one because of money-related matters and that is why I need to be careful.
Thank you very much in advance for your help!


Dear Dr. XXX,

As President of the JGXX, I would like to thank you all for [STRIKE]all of [/STRIKE]your cooperation [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] in our Society's activities and your offer [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] of three hundred Spanish endoscopists of the SDEF [STRIKE]would join[/STRIKE]joining us [STRIKE]with membership.[/STRIKE] as members.

[STRIKE]We are sending you[/STRIKE] Please find attached the [STRIKE]attached [/STRIKE]invoice for the JGXX International Membership (for 300 members) for the year 2010. We [STRIKE]hereby [/STRIKE] would like to request you to send the payment to us by check or bank transfer. In addition, we would also like to request you to send us a list of each member’s name, institution and e-mail address, (no comma)for our membership [STRIKE]information[/STRIKE] record.

We will send our journal, DEN, to the Foundation at the address shown above [STRIKE]all at once[/STRIKE] immediately, as kindly offered, when your payment is received and [STRIKE]confirmed[/STRIKE] cleared.

[STRIKE]Then,[/STRIKE] The publisher, WB, will then contact you by e-mail shortly regarding the Society members' online access for DEN. Every issue (four issues per year) will be send sent to the Foundation[STRIKE], continuously[/STRIKE] regularly.

We hope there will be more and more active exchanges between Spainish and Japanese doctors in the future.

Your continued cooperation will be greatly appreciated.　


Best regards,
XXX

.

I suggest using more space between each section and use paragraphs to make reading easier.

not a teacher

 

[yshocha]

Dear tedtmc,

THANK YOU very much for your kind help!
You really saved me.

I believe the good guys could win in the end, and you are one of them.

Again, thank you so much.

Regards,

yshocha

 

[tedtmc]

You are welcome.

Saved you? From?