The box

[idris123]

One day while I was walking downstairs I saw a mysterious white pale box which said on it ‘I promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. So when I got excited and pressed the button, it said to me ‘James Cardliff eliminated’. I got petrified and put it in the wardrobe.
So when I was watching news, the reported said ‘That a man by the name James Cardliff has died, Doctors say the cause was unknown’. When I found out it was the name it said on my box, I was terrified. So i knew that this box can kill people instantly with a touch of a button. The next day I went to my friend which was an electrician to see if he can find who made this and why he threw it in my house.
So he went in my room and when he came out he said that he is planning to kill more then 1500 people with this device. Then I asked him’ How does it kill?’ He said I don’t know. So I knew this man anted this box and threw it in my house for no reason, this was a very valuable box to him. Then when I was putting the box in its case I saw another paper which said meet me at Ashburton near the Park on Thursday. So my friend and I found out that he gave it to me because my house was identical to the other friend of his.
Then on Wednesday, We called the Police and told them about this issue, they said that they will be glad to help. When we went there they were discussing about my friend’s father and when are they going to kill him. At that moment the police said ‘put your hand behind your head and later we discovered that the person who made this box was the man who was checking the ruins of James Cardliff. So at the end of the day, my friend and I received a certificate for resolving this case.

 

[idris123]

One day while I was walking downstairs I saw a mysterious white pale box which said on it ‘I promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. So when I got excited and pressed the button, it said to me ‘James Cardliff eliminated’. I got petrified and put it in the wardrobe.
So when I was watching news, the reported said ‘That a man by the name James Cardliff has died, Doctors say the cause was unknown’. When I found out it was the name it said on my box, I was terrified. So i knew that this box can kill people instantly with a touch of a button. The next day I went to my friend which was an electrician to see if he can find who made this and why he threw it in my house.
So he went in my room and when he came out he said that he is planning to kill more then 1500 people with this device. Then I asked him’ How does it kill?’ He said I don’t know. So I knew this man anted this box and threw it in my house for no reason, this was a very valuable box to him. Then when I was putting the box in its case I saw another paper which said meet me at Ashburton near the Park on Thursday. So my friend and I found out that he gave it to me because my house was identical to the other friend of his.
Then on Wednesday, We called the Police and told them about this issue, they said that they will be glad to help. When we went there they were discussing about my friend’s father and when are they going to kill him. At that moment the police said ‘put your hand behind your head and later we discovered that the person who made this box was the man who was checking the ruins of James Cardliff. So at the end of the day, my friend and I received a certificate for resolving this case.

Please teaacher check if I have any mistakes and add on to my work thank you very much

 

[emsr2d2]

One day while I was walking downstairs (you saw it while you were walking downstairs? Probably "as I walked down the stairs") I saw a mysterious pale white (? Was it white or was it pale?!) [STRIKE]pale[/STRIKE] box which said on it ‘I promise[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] to bestow upon [STRIKE]its[/STRIKE] the owner $1 million with the press of a button".

So [STRIKE]when[/STRIKE] I got excited and pressed the button. It said to me ‘James Cardliff eliminated’. I got petrified and put it in the wardrobe.

[STRIKE]So[/STRIKE] Later, when I was watching the news, the reporte[STRIKE]d[/STRIKE]r said [STRIKE]‘That[/STRIKE] "A man by the name James Cardliff has died. Doctors say the cause [STRIKE]was[/STRIKE] is unknown". When I [STRIKE]found out[/STRIKE] realised that that [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] was the name it said on my box, I was terrified. So I knew that this box [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] could kill people instantly with a touch of a button. The next day I went to see my friend [STRIKE]which was[/STRIKE] who is an electrician, to see if he [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] could find out who made [STRIKE]this [/STRIKE] the box and why [STRIKE]he[/STRIKE] they (you don't know if it was a man or a woman so use the generic "they") threw it in my house.

[STRIKE]So[/STRIKE] He went into my room (*In the previous paragraph you said you went to see your friend, but here you say he went into your room. Did you go to him or did he come to you?) and when he came out he said that he (he? the person who made the box, or your friend?) is planning to kill more then 1500 people with this device. [STRIKE]Then[/STRIKE] I asked him "How does it kill?" He said "I don’t know".

So I knew this man anted (??? what is this word meant to be?) this box and threw it in my house for no reason, and that [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] it was a very valuable box to him. [STRIKE]Then[/STRIKE] When I was putting the box in its case I saw another piece of paper which said "Meet me at Ashburton near the park on Thursday". So my friend and I found out that he gave it to me because my house was identical to the other friend of his. (I don't understand this sentence at all.)

[STRIKE]Then [/STRIKE]On Wednesday, [STRIKE]W[/STRIKE]we called the [STRIKE]P[/STRIKE]police and told them [STRIKE]about this issue[/STRIKE] the story. They said that they [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] would be glad to help. When we went there (where? the police station? The park in Ashburton?) they (who? the police?) were discussing [STRIKE]about[/STRIKE] my friend’s father and when [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] they were going to kill him. At that moment the police said "Put your hands behind your head" and later we discovered that the person who made this box was the man who was checking the ruins (the ruins? That means the remains of a building? Do you mean the dead body/death?) of James Cardliff. So at the end of the day, my friend and I received a certificate for [STRIKE]re[/STRIKE]solving this case.

I have made corrections/amendments in red, and my notes about confusion in blue.

1) You have used "So" and "then" far too many times. A story is normally told sequentially, so you don't need to keep using "So/then" to show the next thing you did or said.

2) I don't understand the actual story. You got a box, pressed a button and someone died. OK! Then your friend mysteriously found out that someone planned to kill 1500 people. How did he establish that? You worked out the identity of the owner of the box by reading a note about a park and finding that someone's house was identical to someone else's. How did you find that out? What is the relevance of the park and the location? Someone somewhere was talking about killing the father of a friend. The friend who is an electrician? Another friend? There are a lot of holes in your story. Many things aren't explained properly.