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    #1

    editing of short passage

    Valerie, a 20-year-old polytechnic student, died as her motorcycle skidded in Lentor Avenue on 20 February. She is one of the three female riders involved in motorcycle accidents this year (2010). As more females start to ride motorcycles, the Traffic Police warn that there might be many more accidents.

    Mr Lim, Valerie’s father, a gas delivery man, 52, said that he objected to her daughter’s request to buy her a motorcycle because he believes that motorcyclists are very vulnerable on the roads. He insisted that Valerie should buy a car, but she did not heed his advice. Instead, she bought a Honda-150 secretly.

    “She’s going to start driving lessons this month,” lamented Mr Lim.

    It was nine o’clock on Thursday night when Valerie told her father that she would be going out with friends. He reminded her to come home earlier.” She said she would.

    Valerie’s motorcycle skidded at about 4.40 am. She was pronounced dead by paramedics at 5.10 am.

    When the police officer called me, he said, “Sir, you need to be prepared for the sad news,” said a distraught Mr Lim.

    The father and daughter lived in a rented flat in Yishun. They seldom talked, but Mr Lim said that their relationship was an unspoken love.

    Mr Lim and his wife divorced when Valerie was ten years old and she was looked after by him. Before the couple divorced, they left Valerie alone for many years as they were busy working. “I think this is what made Valerie sad. She had an incomplete family,” said Mr Lim.

    Please go through the short passage and edit it for me.

    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Tan Elaine; 19-May-2010 at 16:41.

  1. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: editing of short passage

    Valerie, a 20-year-old polytechnic student(s) died as her motorcycle skidded in Lentor Avenue on 20 February. She is one of (her) three female riders involved in motorcycle accidents this year (2010). As more females start to ride motorcycles, the Traffic Police warn that there might be many more accidents.

    Mr Lim, Valerie’s father, a gas delivery man, 52, said that he objected to his daughter’s request to buy her a motorcycle because he believes that motorcyclists are very vulnerable on the roads. He insisted that Valerie should buy a car, but she did not heed his advice. Instead, she secretly bought a Honda-150 (secretly).

    “She’s going to start driving lessons this month,” lamented Mr Lim.

    It was nine o’clock on Thursday night when Valerie told her father that she would be going out with friends. He reminded her to come home early. She said she would.

    Valerie’s motorcycle skidded at about 4.40 am. She was pronounced dead by paramedics at 5.10 am.

    When the police officer called me, he said, “Sir, you need to be prepared for (the) sad news,” said a distraught Mr Lim.

    The father and daughter lived in a rented flat in Yishun. They seldom talked, but Mr Lim said that their relationship was an unspoken love.

    Mr Lim and his wife divorced when Valerie was ten years old and she was looked after by him. Before the couple divorced, they left Valerie alone for many years as they were busy working. “I think this is what made Valerie sad. She had an incomplete family,” said Mr Lim.

    Delete the red words in brackets, my corrections are in blue.

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