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    • Join Date: Jun 2010
    • Posts: 8
    #1

    Please correct this

    Please help me to convert it in advance level and make it short and sweet:

    When I was in school I always used to carry tiffin at school.Once I didn't get time to eat my tiffin in the break so I was eating my tiffin in the bus while going home.There was this girl who was younger to me by 2 years she was staring at my tiffin and snatched it from me and started eating it when I asked for my tiffin she scratched my face and my face was bleeding and I had all marks on my face, so all my friends dropped me homw and my mother instead of asking me how I am she scolded me as to so why I dint hit that girl back.Next my dad went to school and complained to the principal and the girl was suspended.There were other two guys who had encouraged her they were also suspended .My school mentioned the incident on notice board.And apparently I saw that girl on the platform after a long time,and all the memories came back to my mind


    • Join Date: Jun 2010
    • Posts: 8
    #2

    Re: Please correct this

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    It is your responsibility to move to a higher level. You do not seem to know some basic rules of writing. After a punctuation mark (, . ; :), you are required to leave a space - this is how you do it.This is incorrect. This is how it should be done. Do you see the difference? I suggest that you edit this piece and repost it.
    I am sorry about it ,I have made the changes now and will keep in mind in future.

    When I was in school I always used to carry tiffin at school. Once I didn't get time to eat my tiffin in the break so I was eating my tiffin in the bus while going home. There was this girl who was younger to me by 2 years she was staring at my tiffin and snatched it from me and started eating it when I asked for my tiffin she scratched my face and my face was bleeding and I had all marks on my face, so all my friends dropped me homw and my mother instead of asking me how I am she scolded me as to so why I dint hit that girl back. Next my dad went to school and complained to the principal and the girl was suspended. There were other two guys who had encouraged her they were also suspended . My school mentioned the incident on notice board, And apparently I saw that girl on the platform after a long time and all the memories came back to my mind

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2007
    • Posts: 19,218
    #3

    Re: Please correct this

    Please look at this carefully:

    There was this girl who was younger to me by 2 years she was staring at my tiffin and snatched it from me and started eating it when I asked for my tiffin she scratched my face and my face was bleeding and I had all marks on my face, so all my friends dropped me homw and my mother instead of asking me how I am she scolded me as to so why I dint hit that girl back.

    How many sentences should this be?
    What word should "homw" be?
    What word should "dint" be?

    Please work on this passage so it reads like you spent time writing it, instead of telling the story in one breath.

    (What is a "tiffin"?)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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