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    • Join Date: May 2005
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    #1

    Some old and fosaken words

    I've got to write a few lines, using old-fashioned and literary vocabulary, so that it sounds as if it'd been drawn from the Bible.

    I have written a new version of the Decalogue ("I am the LORD thy Teacher, who have brought thee to this school, out of the abyss of nescience"), and now I'd like to add a short postscriptum:

    "So quoth I, the Lord of any human being, and it is a covenant betwixt thy God and thee. Thus maledicted and beshrewed be he that breaketh my commandments; I shall anathemise him myself, and my imprecation should be with him on his deathbed whilst expiring."

    May you comment on this piece of writing? Is it comprehensible for English-readers? :)

    Thank you

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    #2

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    Much of the Bible isn't comprehensible, which I suppose accounts for much of its charm. This piece falls towards that category- through a glass darkly.... Excellent stuff. I have to say that if you hadn't told me you wrote it, I would have assumed it came from the Bible. I doff my hat to you.


    • Join Date: May 2005
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    #3

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    Oh, thank you, it's the best news I've heard today. Nothing on the world makes a man as happy as tidings that he can write in the way nobody understands :)


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    #4

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    The whole "Decalogue" is, I suppose, a little bit more comprehensible (so that the charm is far smaller ).
    I want it to be a gift for my English teacher, I'll stick it on "the gate of his kingdom"; that's why I ask you what you think about it. It's better not to make any mistakes in it...

    I am the LORD thy Teacher, who have brought thee to this school, out of the
    abyss of nescience.


    1. Thou shalt have no other teachers before me.
    2. Thou shalt remember the day of a classroom test, to keep it holy.
    3. Thou shalt not kill thy Teacher.
    4. Thou shalt not insult thy Teacher, for His sacredness is beyond the bounds of possibility to comprehend.
    5. Thou shalt not steal thy Teacher, nor any thing that is thy Teacher's.
    6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy Teacher.
    7. Thou shalt covet thy Teacher's knowledge.
    8. Thou shalt not make unto thy Teacher any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in his classroom.
    9. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other Teachers, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy Teacher am a jealous Master, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that
    do not do their homework.
    10. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Teacher in vain; for the Teacher will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.


    So quoth I, the Lord of any human being, and it is a covenant betwixt thy God and thee. Thus maledicted and beshrewed be he that breaketh my commandments; I shall anathemise him myself and my imprecation should be with him on his deathbed whilst expiring.

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    #5

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    In 2, I'd say 'and keep it holy'
    In 10, how about 'thy Teacher' instead of 'the'??

    That's a true teacher, alright.

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    #6

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    Quote Originally Posted by Valaraukar
    The whole "Decalogue" is, I suppose, a little bit more comprehensible (so that the charm is far smaller ).
    I want it to be a gift for my English teacher, I'll stick it on "the gate of his kingdom"; that's why I ask you what you think about it. It's better not to make any mistakes in it...

    I am the LORD thy Teacher, who have brought thee to this school, out of the
    abyss of nescience.


    1. Thou shalt have no other teachers before me.
    2. Thou shalt remember the day of a classroom test, to keep it holy.
    3. Thou shalt not kill thy Teacher.
    4. Thou shalt not insult thy Teacher, for His sacredness is beyond the bounds of possibility to comprehend.
    5. Thou shalt not steal thy Teacher, nor any thing that is thy Teacher's.
    6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy Teacher.
    7. Thou shalt covet thy Teacher's knowledge.
    8. Thou shalt not make unto thy Teacher any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in his classroom.
    9. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other Teachers, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy Teacher am a jealous Master, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that
    do not do their homework.
    10. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Teacher in vain; for the Teacher will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.


    So quoth I, the Lord of any human being, and it is a covenant betwixt thy God and thee. Thus maledicted and beshrewed be he that breaketh my commandments; I shall anathemise him myself and my imprecation should be with him on his deathbed whilst expiring.
    I have a doubt related to number 5. Shouldn't it be "rob thy teacher"?


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    #7

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    I couldn't decide which verb would be the most proper, so I put the simplest. I must admit it wasn't the best idea, but I like this version (don't ask why).

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    #8

    Re: Some old and fosaken words

    Dandelion's right, but then you'd have to put 'rob' into the second part. Mind you, I did quite like the use of 'steal' here.

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