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    • Join Date: May 2005
    • Posts: 9

    A short story - could you look at it

    I have had to write a short story. I'd like you to look at it and say whether it's good. It's quite important to me, because my English mark may depend on this piece of writing.
    If this thread should not be placed here, please delete it.

    "A ghastly moonlit night with an officious teacher from a far-off planet

    A long, long time ago (but I can still remember!), one moonlit night, having awoken I felt that I couldn’t sleep. I looked on my watch and noticed that the hour of ghosts was coming – it was half past eleven and midnight was close on. I looked through the window and saw that the moon was full.
    “How marvellously!” I thought. “After all it would be a mortal sin to miss such a rare opportunity!”.
    As soon as possible, I made my dachshund wake up and took it for a walk. It was a warm, if windy night, and the meadow that we were ambling was full of moonlight. My dog started to snuff (it’s not important what the time is – it’s always essential to know which bitch is attractive at the moment) when suddenly the wind strengthened. In my heart I felt that it must be midnight, the hour of ghosts, but I dared not check the time. I raised my head in order to find the stars, but there was no spark of constalations, no Vela, no Orion... Then I saw a saucer landing. It had such glaring lights that I wasn’t able to look at it. It lit the whole meadow and my dog started to bark. I thought that it wasn’t the best idea - to take the dog for a walk just before midnight...
    “It’s no use crying over a taken-for-a-walk dog!” I thought. All of a sudden I saw that the hatchway of the saucer was opening. I tried to run away lest I should be seen, but I could not leave my barking dog to its own fate. Frightened, I looked at the opened hatchway. Guess who alit through it! I noticed my English teacher coming with a beaming grin on his face, and I perceived that my dachshund had just started to wallow in a dead frog. The teacher from a far-off planet stood hard by me, towering over my figure.
    “Have you done your homework?” he asked with a menacing tone. Suddenly the night became clouded over, the wind subsided and the dachshund stopped wallowing for a moment in order to see what was going to happen.
    “I haven’t, my dear professor,” I responded, “and I do regret to have forgotten. I confess that it was my fault and nothing can excuse me.” I tried to smile in order to make him less angry, but my efforts came to nothing.
    “I don’t give a hoot!” he yelled. “Any time of the day you have to be able to present your homework – which has to be done. Is it clear?”
    “Yes, sir...”
    “Now you have just got a failing mark, maybe that will teach you something. And batch your dog.”
    “I shall do it promptly,” I promised.
    Then he turned away and went to his saucer. After a minute it flew away and I was alone (apart from my wallowed dog) on the meadow. Trying to gather my thoughts, I stood there for a while, but I felt that something was stinking. I took the source of the smell home, and fulfiled the promise.
    The next day I stole the register and saw the failing mark. It taught me that homework has to be always done, no matter how strange the obstacles might be. And when you cannot sleep at night, it’s better to count sheep than to take the dog for a walk.
    After all, let sleeping dogs lie.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 58,425

    Re: A short story - could you look at it

    having awoken - I'd put a comma after this
    I looked on my watch- at (you could also use 'glanced at')
    How marvellously- marvellous
    the meadow that we were ambling- needs a preposition- across/over?
    was full of moonlight- was moonlit?
    to snuff- sniff
    which bitch is attractive- bitch is on heat?
    I thought that it wasn’t the best idea - to take the dog - had thought (??? when did you think this?) + delete the dash
    dog to its own fate- I'd delete 'own'
    wallow in a dead frog- it would have to be a huge frog for this to be possible
    I do regret to have forgotten- that I had forgotten
    batch your dog- leash your dog??
    my wallowed dog)- it would be wallowing here, if a dog can wallow in a frog
    something was stinking- stank

    • Join Date: May 2005
    • Posts: 9

    Re: A short story - could you look at it

    Em, thank you. I come to a conclusion that I'd better write such pieces as the one "drawn from the Bible"
    A frog doesn't have to be huge; it must only be dead and stinking. Then my dachshund jumps on it, roll over, and tries to yyyy... "put on a perfume". Or something like that.
    "bitch is attractive" - I mean that when male dogs see (or feel) such a bitch, they realise that a duty of procreation lies over them.
    "batch" - sorry, I meant 'bath'

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 58,425

    Re: A short story - could you look at it

    OK- then the dog isn't 'wallowing' but 'rolling'- wallowing is what elephants do in mud, but dogs roll in dirty things to annoy their owners. 'On heat' is when a bitch is ready for proceation and drives the dogs wild. 'Bath' makes sense.

    PS, I enjoyed reading it; you have an exuberant style which makes for a pleasant read. Don't be disheartened by a few mistakes- it's good, lively writing, and you're very creative with your narrative. I think you should be encouraged; I liked it. It's a weird story, and very original.

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