Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. new2grammar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India

    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 880
    #1

    Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    We are glad to announce a special scheme to make your wishes come true. You dream to own a glittering gold jewellery or may be a sparkling diamond jewellery set that adorns your friends beauty. You desire to own the top-end luxury watch or accessories that your colleague possesses. You long to see joyful smild of your sweetheart, when you bend on your knee in front of her to present her a glistening platinum ring. You want to buy jewellery for your daughters wedding. Now nothing could stop you from fulfiling your dreams or from enjoying those special moments of your life. Buy jewelery on emi

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,843
    #2

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    We are glad to announce a special scheme to make all your wishes come true. You dream to about owning a piece of glittering gold jewellery or may be maybe a sparkling diamond jewellery set that adorns complements your a friend's beauty.

    Maybe you desire to own the a top-end luxury watch or accessories that your a colleague possesses. You long to see the joyful smild smile of your sweetheart, when you bend on your go down on one knee in front of her to present her with a glistening platinum ring. You want to buy jewellery for your daughter's wedding.

    Now nothing could can stop you from fulfiling your dreams or from enjoying those special moments of in your life. Buy jewellery on emi (if this is a company name, shouldn't it be in capitals?)
    See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc!

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 57,884
    #3

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    It doesn't make my heart beat faster. How about moving the first sentence to nearer the end?

  3. new2grammar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India

    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 880
    #4

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc!
    I will work on it again because unless it make people like you interested in buying this the main purpose is not achieved

    Thanks for your honest feedbacks and for your kind help

  4. new2grammar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India

    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 880
    #5

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc!
    What about the following:

    You long to see a twinkle in the eyes of your wife or girlfriend, when you present her the diamond jewellery set. You wish to own gold jewellery more elegant and charming than your friends. Your wait is over. Now you can make your wishes come true, buy jewellery on EMI, itís really that simple now.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
      • Home Country:
      • Poland
      • Current Location:
      • Poland

    • Join Date: Oct 2009
    • Posts: 1,704
    #6

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    What about the following:

    You long to see a twinkle in the eyes of your wife or girlfriend, when you present her the diamond jewellery set. You wish to own gold jewellery more elegant and charming than your friends. Your wait is over. Now you can make your wishes come true, buy jewellery on EMI, itís really that simple now.
    I don't know about the others, but I want your diamonds now.

  5. new2grammar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India

    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 880
    #7

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by mmasny View Post
    I don't know about the others, but I want your diamonds now.
    Great but is it grammartically fine?

  6. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2007
    • Posts: 19,218
    #8

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    You have comma splices at the end.


    Personally, I don't like to be told what I wish. If you said "If you long for..." or "If you wish..." with the answer to my desires, I'd prefer that than to being told what I want.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  7. new2grammar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India

    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 880
    #9

    Re: Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    Barb has a good point about using "You long, you wish, etc." If you put these as questions, people will stop and consider the questions.
    I totally agree with Barb suggestion. Thanks for your kind help.

Similar Threads

  1. A promotional content kindly check
    By new2grammar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-Nov-2009, 10:45
  2. Kindly check content for the grammar
    By new2grammar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 26-Aug-2009, 15:57
  3. mail content kindly check
    By new2grammar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 29-Mar-2009, 01:56
  4. Editorial content kindly check
    By new2grammar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28-Jun-2008, 12:41
  5. Kindly check the content of recruitment ad
    By new2grammar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-Jun-2008, 10:58

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •