You can't change from one tense to another without motive. This is the major problem. Ideally, this should have been based on the present tense.Hi, I wrote this integrated essay when I was practicing TOEFL Exam. I would like someone to correct it and thanks in advance.
Reading [What or Who is Reading? You probably need a footnote here] stated that the school system in the United States was taken from Europe. Students will be divided into groups based on their ages. [Why the change to future tense?] Children will start studying at school when they are 6 years old. The system is divided into three grades, primary grade, intermediate grade and high school grade. Why now the present tense?] Three 'sections', or 'levels' might be better, since "grade" already has a meaning, and is equated with a year.
The lecturer [Is Reading the lecturer?] stated that the system did not take into account the individual differences between students. All of the students will start studying first grade
withregardless of their maturity. Some students will start learning at age 6 or 7 years while they are not ready due to lack of maturity, mental ityor physical readiness. On the other hand, some students will start studying the first grade while theyshould start studying earlier than 6 years. Moreover, students who did not meet the minimum standard in some lessons, theyshould repeat the whole lessons which in turn affects the students’ performance, because they will be bored.
[Not sure exactly what you're saying here ]
The lecturer concluded that the United States’ school system must be changed to be more flexible and to overcome the weak points
thatmentioned above and to provide interest material for students to study.
Otherwise it's OK.
What's an integrated essay?
Student or Learner