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    #1

    An American killed his little girl

    Are there mistakes in this passage? Because I have translated it from Arabic language.
    I know that this real story has happened two weeks ago but I didn’t get time to translate it because I had been watching world cup games.


    An American killed his little girl in order to watch America and Ghana’s game in the world cup without disturbance

    An American man ventured to kill his little girl in order to watch America and Ghana’s game in the world cup which host in South Africa in restful and without disturbance style. The Monitor newspaper which published on Tuesday mentioned the twenty-seven-year man who descend from Texas acknowledged to the police that he killed his little girl Amman twice on her chest because she didn’t stop shrieking during the game. When the girl stopped breathing, the dad tried to refresh her heart but usefulness. According to the police report, the dad putted nails into his girl’s mouth to make the matter as an incident caused of his girl’s dead.

    When girl’s mom came back to the house she found her girl being unconscious and her body was cold and having a pale color. The report of autopsy demonstrated that the little girl exposed to four fractures in her rip.

    Please check my English Expression, Grammar and other mistakes or suggest any other verb or sentence that can make beautiful this paragraph. Do grade me out of 10.

    Thanking you for your support and kindness.
    Last edited by Atchan; 11-Jul-2010 at 04:51.

  1. IHIVG's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    Quote Originally Posted by atchan View Post
    Are there mistakes in this passage because I have translated it from Arabic language?
    I know that this real story has happened two weeks ago but I didn’t get time to translate it because I had been watching world cup games.


    An American killed his little girl in order to watch America and Ghana's game in the world cup without disturbance
    (If this is the heading, make it shorter and closer to the point: An American killed his little girl during US-Ghana game.)

    An American man ventured to kill (He didn't venture - he just killed) his little girl in order to watch America and Ghana’s game in the world cup which host in South Africa in restful and without disturbance style. because he didn't want her to disturb him during the World Cup's game between US and Ghana. The Monitor newspaper which published on Tuesday, mentioned that the twenty-seven years old man, who descend from lives in Texas, acknowledged confessed to the police, that he killed his little girl Amman twice (you can't kill the person twice) on her chest, because she didn’t stop shrieking during the game. When the girl stopped breathing, the man tried to refresh her heart (I'm not sure what it means but it needs rewording) but usefulness it was too late. According to the police report, the dad putted nails into his girl’s mouth to make the matter as an incident caused of his girl’s dead. (I don't understand this)

    When the girl’s mom came back to the house home, she found her girl being unconscious; her body was cold and pale having a pale color. The report of autopsy demonstrated that the little girl exposed to had four fractures in her rip. (What's rip? Ribs?)

    Please do check my English Expression, Grammar and other mistakes or suggest any other verb or sentence that can make beautiful this paragraph. Do grade me out of 10.

    Thanking you for your support and kindness.
    I gave it a start, maybe someone else will want to take it further.

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    #3

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    That he killed beated his little girl Amman twice (you can't kill the person twice) on her chest.
    The dad putted nails into his girl’s mouth to make the matter as an incident caused of his girl’s dead. (I don't understand this) >>> I mean that he put some nails into his girl’s mouth to make others think or believe that she died normally.
    The man tried to refresh her heart (I'm not sure what it means but it needs rewording) >>> I mean he tried to revive her or her heart.
    (What's rip? Ribs?) Its the bone that curves round from your back to your chest.
    You really did a great job thank you friend. But you didn’t grade for me out of 10.
    My last order, can you explain for me the reason that I did all of these mistakes? I mean what you think of? Should I study Grammar well, Should I write English more and more?

  2. IHIVG's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    Quote Originally Posted by atchan View Post
    That he beated (beat, beat, beaten) his little girl Amman twice on her chest.

    The dad putted nails into his girl’s mouth to make the matter as an incident caused of his girl’s dead. (I don't understand this) >>> I mean that he put some nails into his girl’s mouth to make others think or believe that she died normally. This is a good sentence from grammatical standpoint (but does the nails part make sense? I mean, whose nails? And why would that convince others of the natural cause of death?)

    (What's rip? Ribs?) Its the bone that curves round from your back to your chest. It's called ribs, not 'rip'.

    The man tried to refresh her heart (I'm not sure what it means but it needs rewording) >>> I mean he tried to revive her or her heart.
    This is a better wording.

    You really did a great job thank you friend. You're welcome!
    But you didn’t grade for me out of 10. I don't understand anything about how those grades work.
    My last order, can you explain for me the reason that I did all of these mistakes? I mean what you think of? Should I study Grammar well, Should I write English more and more?
    I think the best way is to read - that's how you'll get a natural feel on how sentences are constructed.
    ^
    Last edited by IHIVG; 09-Jul-2010 at 01:34.

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    #5

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    The dad putted nails into his girl’s mouth to make the matter as an incident caused of his girl’s dead. (I don't understand this) >>> I mean that he put some nails into his girl’s mouth to make others think or believe that she died normally. This is a good sentence from grammatical standpoint (but does the nails part make sense? I mean, whose nails? And why would that convince others of the natural cause of death?) After I posted it I realized that it isn't natural death its crime.
    I'm grateful for your deep explanation thank you my friend. In the next several days I will read English books or novel books but when I write story and post to this wonderful forum try to check it.

    Thank you very much and nice to meet you!
    Last edited by Atchan; 09-Jul-2010 at 23:14.

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    #6

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    I have made corrections partly based on the news story I found about this incident: Here's a link to the report of the story I found: Texas man kills daughter over World Cup annoyance - Monsters and Critics

    Quote Originally Posted by atchan View Post
    Are there mistakes in this passage because I have translated it from Arabic language?
    I know that this real story has happened two weeks ago but I didn’t get time to translate it because I had been watching world cup games.


    An American killed his little girl in order to watch America and Ghana’s game in the world cup without disturbance

    An American man ventured to killed his step-daughter in order to watch the World Cup game between America and Ghana which host in South Africa in restful and undisturbed. The Monitor newspaper story published on Tuesday stated that the twenty-seven-year-old man who lives in Texas acknowledged to the police that he killedstruck his little girl Amman twice on her chest because she didn’t stop shrieking during the game. When the girl stopped breathing, the dad tried to resuscitate her, but it was no use. According to the police report, the dad putted a screw(according to the news story I found) into his daughter's throat to make the death appear accidental.

    When the girl’s mother came back to the house, she found her daughter being unconscious, cold and pale. The autopsy report showed that the girl had four fractured ribs.






    Please check my English Expression, Grammar and other mistakes or suggest any other verb or sentence that can make beautiful this paragraph. Do grade me out of 10.

    Thanking you for your support and kindness.

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    #7

    Re: An American killed his little girl

    Thank you friends.
    Last edited by Atchan; 11-Jul-2010 at 04:52.

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