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    #1

    Is this all right?

    This is one of my own thoughts. I think this is unnatual.

    Here is my paragraph

    "Minoru is a happy man, but i quite read his meaning behind his happy face. For some one like Minoru, with happy face, speaking in my unfamiliar langauge, i hardly determind his or her gesture toward me is good or bad. "

    What is going wrong in this paragraphy. Is my wrongly using words? My tense right? I do not know. Someone advices me, and i need your advices.
    Last edited by sayla; 23-Jul-2010 at 05:45.

  1. fighting spirit's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Is this all right?

    Wow, I find many things wrong in this short paragraph.

    If I'm right, you're trying to say that a man whose name is Minoru seems to have a happy face, but you think there's something else behind it.You actually can't be sure what he thinks about you and what his intentions are because of his strange gestures and way of speaking.

    Pay attention to your spelling, grammar and sentence structure. If you want to omit the relative clause, be sure it's correct and doesn't change the meaning.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Is this all right?

    Quote Originally Posted by sayla View Post
    This is one of my own thoughts. I think this is unnatural.

    Here is my paragraph
    "Minoru is a happy man, but I quite (what do you mean by "quite"?) read his the meaning behind his happy face. For some one someone like Minoru, with his happy face, speaking in my unfamiliar (foreign would be better) langauge language, I can hardly determine if his or her gesture towards me is good or bad. "
    What is going wrong in this paragraphy? Is my wrongly using words? Am I using any words wrongly? Are my tenses right? I do not know. Someone advices advise me. and I need your advices. advice.
    See above. I have corrected errors in red, and made queries in blue.

    "Quite" modifies an adjective, not a verb, so "quite read" does not work. Is it Minoru or you who is speaking an unfamiliar/foreign language?

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    #4

    Re: Is this all right?

    I appreciate your advices. Thank you very much.

    I would like to ask one more question.

    You say my non-relative clause incorrect. My non-relative clause is inappropriate because it is not a clause. It does not have a subject and a predicate. Is it?

    Minoru is a happy man, who has a happy face, and he is Japanese. We practice Japanese, but i rarely read the meaning behind his happy face. For someone who have Minoru's character, i can hardly determine if his or her gesture towards me is good or bad.


    Is this better version?
    Last edited by sayla; 25-Jul-2010 at 12:23.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Is this all right?

    Quote Originally Posted by sayla View Post
    I appreciate your advices advice. Thank you very much.

    I would like to ask one more question.

    You say my non-relative clause incorrect. My non-relative clause is inappropriate because it is not a clause. It does not have a subject and a predicate. Is it?

    Minoru is a happy man, who has a happy face, and he is Japanese. We practice Japanese, but I rarely read the meaning behind his happy face. For someone who have has Minoru's character, I can hardly determine if his or her (you already said Minoru is a man so "his") gesture towards me is good or bad.


    Is this better version?
    Well, this paragraph is easier to read but it's much simpler and I don't think it conveys quite the same meaning. I have made a couple of corrections to it, but I also have some other points:

    Sentence 1 = "...is a happy man who has a happy face and he is Japanese". That's a lot of words to say very little. You could simply say "Minoru is a Japanese man who always looks happy".

    Sentence 2 = "We practice Japanese". Is Japanese not your native language? If it is, then "we speak Japanese". If not, then maybe "We practice our Japanese together" gives a better idea that it is a second language.

    Sentence 2 = "I rarely read the meaning behind his happy face". Why do you think there is another emotion going on behind his happy face? At the very least, you need to say "I can rarely read the meaning...." to show that it's something you are trying to do, but failing.

    Sentence 3 = "For someone who has Minoru's character..." Who has Minoru's character? Are you still talking about Minoru, about someone else, or suggesting that you share his character?

    Sentence 3 = "I can hardly determine..." We don't use determine very often like this. A more natural sentence would be "I can hardly tell..."

    Sentence 3 = "his or her..." You already said that Minoru is a man. If you are still talking about Minoru's gesture, then use "his". If you are talking about "someone with Minoru's character" use the all-encompassing "their" instead of "his or her"

    Sentence 3 = "gesture towards me..." What gesture are you talking about? You haven't mentioned a gesture, so the reader doesn't understand what it is that you're trying to work out.

    Here is my suggested version:

    Minoru is a Japanese man who always appears happy. We practice our Japanese together, but I can't always tell how he's feeling behind that happy face. With people like Minoru, it's difficult to tell the true feeling behind their words and gestures.

    I'm not a grammar expert, so I haven't answered your "non-relative clause" question. I will leave that up to someone else!

    Note: Remember to capitalise the word "I". Also, we don't pluralise "advice". Even though more than one person helped you, you still say "Thanks for your advice".
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 25-Jul-2010 at 13:01. Reason: Typo

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