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    • Join Date: Oct 2010
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    #1

    Exclamation Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    I have always struggled with grammar. I decided to make something out of myself, so now I am a College Student. I have English and have a 6 paragraph essay due in the near future, but I have 9 paragraphs for my rough draft. It is a personal story so please be kind.

    A life changing experience is something that affects a person and changes the way they live. Everyone in their lifetime will experience some kind of low point that can change their outlook on life. I got to the lowest point in my life because of my inappropriate actions that finally resulted in being arrested & going to jail led to my realization that I needed to do something better with my life.
    It was Super bowl Sunday Weekend in 2009 and I was planning on having a great weekend. I walked down the driveway to get the m
    My Fatherís name was on my account to help me save money.My Father had just gotten married to a woman after knowing her for 3 weeks, I knew from the moment I saw her that there was something weird going on. It started to make me wonder maybe he is so brainwashed that he took it out because she persuaded him to. I confronted him about it he kept saying denying everything I asked him, but I was positive he was lying. I proved to him I did not do it and the only person that could have was him. He quickly changed his story, saying that I owe him money because he raised me and my mother didn't.
    I was trying to get him to admit that he did it because of his wife. I said, "What did you need the money for anyways ". He turned around pointed his finger right in my face, yelling so loud that I couldnít even make out what he was saying. From that point on everything seemed like a blur. I ended up shoving him out of my way, and when I did he knocked his bedroom door off the hinges. Then the police were called to the house. Then I started to realize that this had all escalated because he lied to me trying to tell me that he didnít do it. Everything was going downhill so fast, I felt like the world was against me. All I wanted to hear was the truth.
    I was outside trying to cool down; I could hear police sirens in the distance. One minute later three officers arrived and one walked to me and started to question me as the other two went inside to talk to my Father. I then had to write a statement while the police questioned me about the incident. They told me since there was damage in the house and because I physically pushed him that they had to take me to jail. I was placed under arrest and escorted to the back seat of the cop car. This was lowest point I had ever been at in my life.
    The car ride seemed like it took forever and it was the loneliest car ride I have ever been on. As soon as I got to the jailhouse they took me inside where I had to change into a jump suit, take a mug shot and get fingerprinted. A guard then escorted me to a holding cell, which I knew would be my home for the next few days. They brought me dinner at around 6:30 that night and it was the nastiest food I have ever seen in my life, I was really concerned about eating it but I figured that it was all I will get so I had to do it.
    The holding cell was ice cold; my bed was a one inch mat on a concrete slab. Sure enough the first night I didnít sleep one bit. My mind was racing all night long, thinking about all kind of crazy things. It seemed so hard to think clearly with people yelling constantly. I kept on thinking that this is not a place for me, and it is my fault that I am here.
    During the next few days, all I would do is think about my life and what I am doing with myself. I never prayed much until then because the only person I had to talk to in that cell was God. On the last day I was laying on my mat just daydreaming that I was in the ocean. I blocked all the noise and all of my frustrations out of my head. I felt like I was actually in the water, I finally felt like I was at peace. It was the most peace I had with myself in a long time.
    About fifteen minutes had passed until a guard came to my door saying that the Majestary wanted to see me. I walked down the hall, sat down in front of her and honestly felt intimidated. She then said that I could leave. I felt overjoyed, but I wasnít for sure how my family was going to look at me from now on. I felt like a bad person even though Iím not. I called my Grandfather to come pick me up. I got in his truck, not much was said, but I felt refreshed just ready to move on and do something good for once.
    This was a life changing experience to me. I honestly believe because of what happened between my Father and I, it made me a much better person.
     
     

     
     

     
     
     PLEASE HELP WITH THE GRAMMAR ERRORS.

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      • English
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      • England
      • Current Location:
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    • Join Date: Jun 2010
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    #2

    Re: Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    [QUOTE=ineedhelp;659925]
    A life-changing experience is something that affects a person and changes the way they live. Everyone in their lifetime will experience some kind of low point that can change their outlook on life. I got to the lowest point in my life because of my inappropriate actions that finally resulted in my being arrested and going to jail - leading to my realization that I needed to do something better with my life.
    It was Super Bowl Sunday Weekend in 2009 and I was planning on having a great weekend. I walked down the driveway to get the m(finish this word.)
    My Fatherís name was on my account to help me save money. My Father had just gotten married to a woman after knowing her for only three weeks. I knew from the moment I saw her that there was something weird going on. It started to make me wonder if he had been brainwashed into taking my money out because she had persuaded him to. I confronted him about it but he kept denying everything I asked him, but I was positive he was lying. I proved to him I did not do it and the only person that could have was him. He quickly changed his story, saying that I owed him money because he raised me and my mother didn't.

    (I'll come back to this tomorrow; I have to go to bed now.)

    Rover


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 3
    #3

    Re: Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    This formal essay has to be shrunk into 6 paragraphs approximently. Thanks for the grammar help so far. I also want to know if my topic sentence and thesis are ok, and I need help creating a concluding sentence





    Thanks Rover



    • Member Info
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      • English
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      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

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    #4

    Re: Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    I was trying to get him to admit that he had done it because of his wife. I said, "What did you need the money for anyway?" He turned around, pointed his finger right in my face, and yelled so loud that I couldn’t even make out what he was saying. From that point on everything seemed like a blur. I ended up shoving him out of my way, and when I did he knocked his bedroom door off the hinges. Then the police were called to the houseand I started to realize that this had all escalated because he had lied to me trying to tell me that he didn’t do it. Everything was going downhill so fast, I felt like the world was against me. All I wanted to hear was the truth.
    I was outside trying to cool down; I could hear police sirens in the distance. A minute later three officers arrived and one walked to me and started to question me as the other two went inside to talk to my Father. I then had to write a statement while the police questioned me about the incident. They told me since there was damage in the house and because I physically pushed him that they had to take me to jail. I was placed under arrest and escorted to the back seat of the cop car. This was lowest point I had ever been at in my life.
    The car ride seemed like it took forever and it was the loneliest journey I have ever been on. As soon as I got to the jailhouse they took me inside where I had to change into a jump suit, get photographed and fingerprinted. A guard then escorted me to a holding cell, which I knew would be my home for the next few days. They brought me dinner at around 6:30 that night and it was the nastiest food I have ever seen in my life, I was really concerned about eating it but I figured that it was all I would get so I had to do it.

    (More later.)
    Last edited by Rover_KE; 04-Oct-2010 at 15:16.

    • Member Info
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      • English
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      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

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    • Posts: 24,502
    #5

    Re: Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    The holding cell was ice cold; my bed was a one inch mat on a concrete slab. Sure enough, the first night I didn’t sleep one bit. My mind was racing all night long, thinking about all kinds of crazy things. It seemed so hard to think clearly with people yelling constantly. I kept on thinking that this was not the place for me, and it was my fault that I was there.
    During the next few days, all I could do was think about my life and what I was doing with myself. I had never prayed much before but the only person I had to talk to in that cell was God. On the last day I was lying on my mat just daydreaming that I was in the ocean. I blocked all the noise and all of my frustrations out of my head. I felt like I was actually in the water; I finally felt like I was at peace. It was the greatest peace I had had with myself in a long time.
    About fifteen minutes later a guard came to my door saying that the magistrate wanted to see me. I walked down the hall, sat down in front of her and honestly felt intimidated. She then said that I could leave. I felt overjoyed, but I wasn’t for sure how my family was going to look at me from now on. I felt like a bad person even though I’m not. I called my Grandfather to come pick me up. I got in his truck; not much was said, but I felt refreshed - just ready to move on and do something good for once.
    This was a life-changing experience for me. I honestly believe that what happened between my Father and me, it made me a much better person.
     
     

     
     

     

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

    • Join Date: Jun 2010
    • Posts: 24,502
    #6

    Re: Life Changing Experience-Help is Appreciated

    Quote Originally Posted by ineedhelp View Post
    This formal essay has to be shrunk into 6 paragraphs approximently. Thanks for the grammar help so far. I also want to know if my topic sentence and thesis are ok, and I need help creating a concluding sentence





    Thanks Rover

    Start your paragraphs at the words

    'A life-changing experience...'

    'It was Super Bowl Sunday...'

    'I was outside trying to cool down...'

    'The holding cell...'

    'About fifteen minutes had passed...'

    This was a life-changing experience for me...'

    Your topic sentence and thesis are OK and your concluding sentence is fine as it is.

    Rover

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