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    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 34
    #1

    Unhappy grammar/editing - deadline today

    Here is my final draft for my son's yearbook. Would you please read and edit where needed. I'm not sure that English language is proper. Thanks a million.


    Andrew Frosini

    Throughout the years, Andrew, I’ve always been so proud of you and impressed with all the effort you’ve put into doing your best. Your hard work, dedication and patience have brought many wonderful and exciting experiences and accomplishments; you should be proud of yourself.

    You’ve ( or You grew) grown (to be a ) into a fine, young man with such kindness and compassion (for or toward) others (omit - that any mother would want in a son or would be proud of ) and I've been truly blessed to have you as my son.

    (or this sentence .. I've (when do you spell out - I have )watched you grow into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion (toward or for others (omit... that any mother would want in a son.... or any mother would be proud of ...or keep it. ) ( ... and I've been truly blessed to have you as my son. (to have a son like you)

    (Which sentence do you like? I would love your thoughts.)

    Always believe in yourself, the way I believe in you.

    Love always ~ Mom



    Congratulations, you deserve all the best.

    Your Brother ~ Nick
    Last edited by roberta langs; 26-Oct-2010 at 13:27.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

    • Join Date: Jun 2010
    • Posts: 24,502
    #2

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    That's beautiful, Roberta. Here's my suggestion:

    Andrew Frosini

    Throughout the years, Andrew, I’ve always been so proud of you and impressed with all the effort you’ve put into doing your best. Your hard work, dedication and patience have brought many wonderful and exciting experiences and accomplishments; you can be proud of yourself.

    I've watched (I have is a more formal; I've is more intimate) you grow into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion for others that any mother would be proud of. I've been truly blessed to have a son like you.

    Always believe in yourself, the way I believe in you.

    Love always ~ Mom



    Congratulations, you deserve all the best.

    Your Brother ~ Nick
    Rover


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 34
    #3

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    This is the beginning of the letter edited already~ Please see above for how the letter ends if needed.

    Throughout the years, Andrew, I’ve always been so proud of you and impressed with all the effort you’ve put into doing your best. Your hard work, dedication and patience have brought you many wonderful and exciting experiences and accomplishments; you can be proud of yourself.


    How would you edit the version below -


    You've (you have) grown into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion toward (for) others that any mother would be proud of). I’ve been truly blessed to have you as my son or I am truly blessed to have you for my son or (to have a son like you)

    -

    This is the version you sent which I do like... thank you


    I’ve watched you grow into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion for others that any mother would be proud of. I’ve been truly blessed to have a son like you.

    You sent this version back - you can be proud of yourself vs. you should be proud of yourself? I have never hear of it that way?


    Your time is appreciated.



    Thank you
    Last edited by roberta langs; 27-Oct-2010 at 13:18.


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 34
    #4

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Hi Rover, I hope you will have time for me today?

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      • English
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    #5

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Sorry, Roberta - I've had a transatlantic flight since then. Still not sure what day it is.


    You've (you have) [I prefer you've, but it's no big deal] grown into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion for others that any mother would be proud of. I am truly blessed to have a son like you. [On reflection, I prefer 'I am truly blessed. . .' rather than 'I have been. . .' because you still have him as a son.]
    . . .you can be proud of yourself vs. you should be proud of yourself.
    He is allowed to feel pride in his accomplishments. 'You should be proud' suggests he is not proud and ought to be.

    Rover
    Last edited by Rover_KE; 27-Oct-2010 at 15:15.


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 34
    #6

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Hi Rover.

    Thanks so much for all your help. I have met a couple of great teachers here with you being one of them.

    I have another version I would like you to do some fine tuning with. I've put the whole letter in here but the paragraph is marked with asterisks. Also I would like your thoughts on paragraph 2 in comparison to paragraph 3. Obviously you and I have already worked on paragraph 2 together which is very nice. I know it's a matter of preference.



    Throughout the years, Andrew, I’ve always been so proud of you and impressed with all the effort you’ve put into doing your best. Your hard work, dedication and patience have brought you many wonderful and exciting experiences and accomplishments; you can be proud of yourself.

    I‘ve watched you grow into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion for others that any mother would be proud of. I am truly blessed to have a son like you.


    **I’ve watched you grow into a fine young man with such kindness and compassion for others (which or that) is (are) (so very) or (very) rare in the world today (rarely seen in the world today). I couldn't be more proud of you. I am truly blessed to have a son like you.

    Always believe in yourself, the way I believe in you.

    Love always ~ Mom


    Congratulations, you deserve all the best.
    Last edited by roberta langs; 28-Oct-2010 at 13:31.


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 34
    #7

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Good morning Rover, would you be able to see my new post today?

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    #8

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    I prefer the simplicity of para 2 as it stands to your new version.

    I wouldn't overdo it.

    Rover


    • Join Date: Oct 2010
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    #9

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Thanks for your honesty. I will not change a thing.

    For my own knowledge, would you edit that?

    Thanks me
    Last edited by roberta langs; 28-Oct-2010 at 17:07.

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    #10

    Re: grammar/editing - deadline today

    Quote Originally Posted by roberta langs View Post
    Thanks for your honesty. I will not change a thing.

    For my own knowledge, would you edit that?

    Thanks.
    You're welcome.

    Rover

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