Results 1 to 3 of 3
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Russian
      • Home Country:
      • Russian Federation
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Oct 2008
    • Posts: 33
    #1

    Mechanics and organization.

    This is part of my Cover letter, could you check what sound awkward?

    Graduated with highest GPA 4.0/4.0 from XXX University I have an excellent learning ability. I gained strong interpersonal and communication skills as I worked my way up from pizza delivery driver to corporate sales manager. My little store in XXXX country gave me experience in marketing and managing. Now I’m working on launching online store. Being an employer at the same time I know that any company looks for not only the job related and professional skills in their candidates, but also other valuable characteristics and capabilities of driving the company in new dimensions of progress. I truly believe that my analytical and problem solving skills will maximize productivity and will help achieve companywide goals in challenging global company as XXX.

    If everything is fine, please write that it is ok.
    Last edited by Ildus1988; 29-Oct-2010 at 04:08.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 57,910
    #2

    Re: Mechanics and organization.

    I think there is some oversell here- highest GPA 4.0/4.0- I can work out that 4.0/4.0 is the highest grade, so your enthusiasm may actually come across wrong- also, there should be a comma after the the name of the university.


    (Mind you, I should point out that I am a British English speaker)

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
      • Home Country:
      • Poland
      • Current Location:
      • Poland

    • Join Date: Jul 2010
    • Posts: 5,098
    #3

    Re: Mechanics and organization.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ildus1988 View Post
    This is part of my Cover letter, could you check what sound awkward?

    Graduated with highest GPA 4.0/4.0 from XXX University, I have an excellent learning ability. I have (not sure) gained strong interpersonal and communication skills as I worked my way up from pizza delivery driver to corporate sales manager. Working in my small store in XXXX country (What do you mean by XXXX country? Do you mean a krai?)
    has given (I'm not sure about this one)
    me experience in marketing and managing. Now, (comma) I’m working on launching online store. Being an employer myself, (comma) I know that every company looks for not only for the professional and job-related skills in their candidates, but also other valuable characteristics and capabilities, of which could accelerate the company's drive into new dimensions of progress. I truly believe that my analytical and problem solving skills will maximize productivity (Whose productivity? The company's? Yours?) and will help achieve companywide goals in challenging global company as XXX. (I don't get the part after "and will". Could you reword it? What's "challenging global company as XXX"?)

    If everything is fine, please write that it is ok.
    I'm a non-native speaker so please be aware that some of my corrections might be wrong. I could also misunderstand your intentions somewhere.

    You seem to use the word "and" carelessly. Remember, it's a tricky word which can confuse readers. Sometimes, the confusion can be such that it's impossible to understand the sentence; sometimes, it's enough to read the sentence twice to get it. But the writer should avoid even the latter. Use as few words on either side of "and" as possible. Look for ambiguities every time you use "and".
    Last edited by birdeen's call; 29-Oct-2010 at 09:39.

Similar Threads

  1. Is the gramatical and mechanics correct here?
    By bethmanso in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 07-Dec-2008, 03:39
  2. Mechanics and usage?
    By Unregistered in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-Nov-2007, 19:52
  3. Grammar / Mechanics
    By OMO in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 26-Sep-2005, 08:39
  4. It's about Mechanics
    By mir12480 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 22-May-2005, 15:06

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •