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    • Join Date: Oct 2010
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    #1

    Help revise/edit or even rewrite my article

    "The Spelling Bee"

    It was an ordinary day like any other one of those icy, September days my hands scarred a deep red by the harsh and bitter cold. My head turned as I heard the shrill of the lunch lady's whistle; apparently recess was over and as quick as that our basketball game had ended as pools of children flooded from where they were standing from their scattered positions all over the playground. Me and the children quickly scurried to our places in line according to homeroom. Slowly each school of children entered the realms of the school until there was not a child of the school. As we made our way back I heard my friends David and Joe faintly fighting about Tmac and Kobe and how each was better; I thought for a second about putting my two cents about Al (Allen Iverson) but I shrugged it off considering that each of us were set in our own ways and my argument was better-served another day. We walked back into the newly renovated sixth grade wing which was thinking back the only part of the school that had heating and air conditioning. My sixth grade teacher Mrs. Furey happened to be sitting in her desk and grading papers and smiled as each of us walked into her room. As we got seated she explained, "We're having our spelling bee tryouts today!" I thought to myself, "Oh great." Even though I was always amazing at spelling bee getting 100s on tests without even studying the spelling bee would always escape me. Pretty much it went something like this I'd probably lose in an early round like in the fourth grade or spelling the world "a-i-s-l-e" when my teacher apparently wanted "i-s-l-e." That seriously was a joke I mean come on in reality they sound alike and they basically both mean something isolated by either a body of water or a theater of chairs. Anyways, I hoped I could do it this year. We all got up and stood around the corners of the room facing the teacher's desk until we misspelled then we got knocked out and had to sit down. Anyways, truth be told, I don't know how I got that far; but the three remaining kids went to the teacher's desk and started spelling till the last two kids standing. The three kids were me, this girl Izzy, and Teri who actually happened to be the fourth and fifth grade winner for the past two years. Anyways by this point I knew I had no chance but I kept at it to see how far I could go, much to me and Izzy's shock; Teri misspelled and she sat down. Mrs. Furey told us that next Friday we'd meet in the auditorium and the spelling bee would take place. The school bell rang and the weekend began. I took the bus and when I reached home and told my mother and she got excited. Anyways the day at the spelling bee came and my mom forced me to wear a sweater and slacks which made me really upset because first of all, I could play during recess, and secondly, the sweater was irritating. Anyways life went on and the hour of the spelling bee came upon us. All the fourth, fifth, and sixth graders sat in the bleachers while the representatives took the stage. The spellers lined up in three rows and each one came up to the microphone to spell out our word. Slowly those thirty kids died down to three. The three of us went on for a while. I remember my last word being "tabernacle" and thinking this is a joke. Anyways the cycle continued and I came back and if you asked me what word they asked me to spell I couldn't tell you; in all honesty, the word I heard had to be another language. I asked them to repeat it then state it in a sentence. I had no grasp of the word. I tried to spell out what I heard and in the spelling of a word my run was over. I walked off the stage slightly annoyed then I remembered being angry cause I could spell the rest of the words that the first and second place winners were getting. But much to my dismay, I slowly realized there was no glory for third place. You see every kid there got a certificate but unfortunately only first and second got the trophy. The moral of this story if there is one; is to the victor goes the spoils unless you happen to take third place.

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Help revise/edit or even rewrite my article

    Quote Originally Posted by jgsamuel View Post
    "The Spelling Bee"

    It was an ordinary day like any other one of those icy, September days, my hands scarred a deep red by the harsh and bitter cold. My head turned as I heard the shrill of the lunch lady's whistle. Apparently recess was over and as quick as that our basketball game had ended as pools of children flooded from where they were standing from in their scattered positions all over the playground. Me and t The children and I quickly scurried to our places in line according to home room. Slowly each school of children entered the realms of the school until there was not a child of the school. [I don't understand this].
    As we made our way back I heard my friends David and Joe faintly fighting about Tmac and Kobe and how each was better. I thought for a second about putting my two cents about Al (Allen Iverson) but I shrugged it off, considering that each of us were was set in our own ways and my argument was better-served another day. We walked back into the newly renovated sixth grade wing which was, thinking back, the only part of the school that had heating and air conditioning.

    My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Furey, happened to be sitting in [at?] her desk and grading papers and she smiled as each of us walked into her room. As we got seated she explained, "We're having our spelling bee tryouts today!" I thought to myself, "Oh great." Even though I was always amazing at spelling bee getting 100s on tests without even studying, the spelling bee would always escape me. Pretty much it went something like this: I'd probably lose in an early round like in the fourth grade or spelling the world "a-i-s-l-e" when my teacher apparently wanted "i-s-l-e." That seriously was a joke - I mean, come on! In reality they sound alike and they basically both mean something isolated by either a body of water or a theater of chairs.
    [Corrected to here]

    Anyways, I hoped I could do it this year. We all got up and stood around the corners of the room facing the teacher's desk until we misspelled then we got knocked out and had to sit down. Anyways, truth be told, I don't know how I got that far; but the three remaining kids went to the teacher's desk and started spelling till the last two kids standing. The three kids were me, this girl Izzy, and Teri who actually happened to be the fourth and fifth grade winner for the past two years. Anyways by this point I knew I had no chance but I kept at it to see how far I could go, much to me and Izzy's shock; Teri misspelled and she sat down. Mrs. Furey told us that next Friday we'd meet in the auditorium and the spelling bee would take place. The school bell rang and the weekend began. I took the bus and when I reached home and told my mother and she got excited. Anyways the day at the spelling bee came and my mom forced me to wear a sweater and slacks which made me really upset because first of all, I could play during recess, and secondly, the sweater was irritating. Anyways life went on and the hour of the spelling bee came upon us. All the fourth, fifth, and sixth graders sat in the bleachers while the representatives took the stage. The spellers lined up in three rows and each one came up to the microphone to spell out our word. Slowly those thirty kids died down to three. The three of us went on for a while. I remember my last word being "tabernacle" and thinking this is a joke. Anyways the cycle continued and I came back and if you asked me what word they asked me to spell I couldn't tell you; in all honesty, the word I heard had to be another language. I asked them to repeat it then state it in a sentence. I had no grasp of the word. I tried to spell out what I heard and in the spelling of a word my run was over. I walked off the stage slightly annoyed then I remembered being angry cause I could spell the rest of the words that the first and second place winners were getting. But much to my dismay, I slowly realized there was no glory for third place. You see every kid there got a certificate but unfortunately only first and second got the trophy. The moral of this story if there is one; is to the victor goes the spoils unless you happen to take third place.
    You really need to leave some white space to give your readers some eye relief. I've added some. Your sentences are sometimes longer than they need to be, and you badly need to revise your punctuation.

    Your language use sounds strange to me. That's possibly because it is meant to be New Jersey colloquial speech, which I'm not familiar with. I think you also might be trying for a casual, sixth-grader style. This is fine, but remember that you stil need commas and other punctuation. You know how it's meant to be read, but your readers are seeing it for the first time. People will stop reading after too many lines like this: "That seriously was a joke I mean come on in reality they sound alike."
    The content is pretty good though.

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