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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner

    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Exclamation disorganised eassy!!! =s

    Hi my teacher gave me the topic : The disadvantages of junk food. to write an eassy about it .

    and the teacher gave me D on my eassy ,, saying that my eassy is SO disorganised

    and i was disappointed couse i realy tried my best

    could you tell me what's wrong? !And how can i make it organised


    ???



    this is my eassy



    There are many disadvantages of junk food . The main disadvantage is junk

    food is very unhealthy food. A second disadvantage is fast food is

    expensive .
    Firstly , fast food is unhealthy because it is full of fats and a lot of salt



    which isn't good for you. eating more junk food the increase percentage of


    fats in your body ; as a result you will feel lazy and idle and therefore you



    are more likely to become more obese . Also you must know that junk food


    contains more calories and less nutrients. Because when they fry fast



    food they kill the nutrients.




    Secondly, we spend a lot of money to buy fast food with out notice it .



    There is a fact said that Every time you eat fast food like burgers , french


    fries you will had more desire to eat more fast food . Despite that fact,



    you will lose your money without getting any benefit of it.





    Lastly ,in order to keep your money and health save .you should be aware


    to eat junk food.







    help me please !..And thank you in advance =)

  2. Raymott's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia

    • Join Date: Jun 2008
    • Posts: 24,104
    #2

    Re: disorganised eassy!!! =s

    Quote Originally Posted by Mabushi View Post
    Hi my teacher gave me the topic : The disadvantages of junk food. to write an eassy about it .

    and the teacher gave me D on my eassy ,, saying that my eassy is SO disorganised
    Why are you starting a sentence without a capital letter? What does the punctuation ,, mean? Why are you finishing a sentence without a period?

    And I was disappointed because i really tried my best
    Please capitalise 'I'. You will see a lot of spellings of 'because' - (coz, cause, cos, becoz ...) Only 'because' is right.
    Did you run it through a spellchecker? Maybe your assignment was handwritten, but you have many spelling mistakes.

    Could you tell me what's wrong? !And how can i make it organised?
    We don't use an exclamation mark before a word. We do use a question mark at the end of a question.

    ???




    This is my essay.



    There are many disadvantages of junk food . The main disadvantage is that junk food is very unhealthy food. A second disadvantage is that fast food is expensive.
    If you're going to start again, you need to start a new paragraph. But you've already said this. You can't follow a second point with a first point!

    There are two main disadvantages of junk food: it is unhealthy and expensive.
    Firstly , fast food is unhealthy because it is full of fats and a lot of salt which isn't good for you. Eating more junk food the increases the percentage of fats in your body ; as a result, you will feel lazy and idle and therefore you are more likely to become more obese . Also, you must know that junk food contains more calories and less nutrients, because when they fry fast food they kill the nutrients.

    (Nutrients aren't actually alive)
    Your punctuation is wrong. This probably isn't your fault, because I know it's not taught in Arabic countries, and your teachers don't know how to do it themselves (according to responses I've had here trying to track down the source of this ubiquitous problem).

    You don't put a space before a punctuation mark.
    You do put a space after a punctuation mark.
    I'll let you correct the rest of the punctuation.


    Secondly, we spend a lot of money to buying fast food without noticing it . There is a fact It is said that every time you eat fast food like burgers or french fries your will have more desire to eat more fast food will increase . Despite that fact, you will lose your money without getting any benefit of it.



    Lastly ,i In order to keep your money and health safe, you should be aware

    to eat junk food. I don't know what this means. Perhaps you mean, "You should be aware of how much junk food you eat". But this isn't a new point, so you don't use "lastly". This could be a summary sentence.


    Help me please And thank you in advance =)
    Hello,
    Welcome to the forum. Since it's your first post, I'll give you some rules that you'll find necessary.
    On my screen it looks like a dog's breakfast. However, I'll grant you that the alignment and spacing errors are due to pasting it into the program.
    Please learn to punctuate and use appropriate capital letters if you intend using English for anything other than text messages.

    I don't know what level you're at, but you have made two points. Your essay says: "Junk food is both expensive and unhealthy." That's the content. As such, there's little to criticise. I'm not sure I agree with your teacher. You said the same thing in the introduction sentence, the body of the essay and the conclusion. So at least you're consistent.

    It would be good to read another of your essays with good punctuation and layout.

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