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  1. easybreakable's Avatar
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    #1

    Question a translated poem

    I have translated a poem into the English language, posted it in the forum related to literature and had no response, I need a review from a native speaker, if any is interested please let me know and I will post it here.

  2. 5jj's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by easybreakable View Post
    I have translated a poem into the English language, posted it in the forum related to literature and had no response, I need a review from a native speaker, if any is interested please let me know and I will post it here.
    Teachers come to this forum expecting, and wanting, to deal with language enquiries. Many will be happy to correct the language, though that is not always easy with poetry. However, if it is literary criticism you want, then I am afraid you will have to wait in the other forum.

  3. easybreakable's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: a translated poem

    No, I'm not seeking for a literary criticism, I just need someone to review for me the use of the language (Grammars and word choice) that is all.

  4. 5jj's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: a translated poem

    Then try posting it here and see what response you receive.

  5. easybreakable's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: a translated poem

    "The Traveling Eid"


    Prepared was
    the lifetime,
    to travel
    like a rose
    in a garden, forgotten.


    The Eid,
    gathered
    his things
    and gone
    in the presence
    of my broken laughs.


    And there is no pleasure
    to restore
    for my confused evenings,
    their beautiful calm, the far one.


    Grief
    possess me.
    refusing
    amity of the morning's pigeons.


    When I was a little girl,
    my only doll
    lost.
    Ever since, long time ago
    my dear things
    getting lost,
    one following the other.

  6. 5jj's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by easybreakable View Post


    The Eid,
    gathered
    his things
    and gone1
    in the presence
    of my broken laughs.


    And there is no pleasure
    to restore
    for my confused evenings,
    their beautiful calm, the far one2.


    Grief
    possess3 me.
    refusing
    amity of the morning's pigeons.


    When I was a little girl,
    my only doll
    lost4.
    Ever since, long time ago
    my dear things
    5getting lost,
    one following the other.
    As I said initially, it is difficult to 'correct' poetry, because we do not always know what effect the writer wished to produce in his/her use or deliberate misuse of language. However, here are some thoughts on things I have numbered in your work:

    1. and was gone? and went?
    2. I am not sure who or what the far one refers to. Perhaps you are saying that no pleasure can restore the far one, whoever that might be? If so, I can't see how their beautiful calm fits in.
    3. Are you asking Grief to possess you, or saying that Grief possesses you?
    4. was lost?
    5. are getting lost?

    I hope that helps, but I'm not sure that it does.

  7. easybreakable's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by fivejedjon View Post

    2. I am not sure who or what the far one refers to. Perhaps you are saying that no pleasure can restore the far one, whoever that might be? If so, I can't see how their beautiful calm fits in.
    And there is no pleasure
    to restore
    for my confused evenings,
    their beautiful calm, the far one2.

    *** I have doubts about this stanza and would like to make sure that there are no flaws here... "the far one" refers to "the beautiful calm"

  8. 5jj's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by easybreakable View Post
    And there is no pleasure
    to restore
    for my confused evenings,
    their beautiful calm, the far one2.

    *** I have doubts about this stanza and would like to make sure that there are no flaws here... "the far one" refers to "the beautiful calm"
    It's difficult to ensure that there are no flaws -this is a poem, after all. If I wanted to be absolutely clear, I would write something like. "And no pleasure can (or,' There is no pleasure that can') restore to my confused evenings their beautiful calm, that distant hope/dream." However, that's not poetry!

  9. Raymott's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by easybreakable View Post
    "The Traveling Eid"



    Destined was
    my lifetime,
    to wander
    like a rose
    in a garden, forgotten.


    The Eid,
    gathered
    his things
    and departed
    in the presence
    of my broken laughs.


    And there is no pleasure
    to restore
    for my confused evenings,
    their far off, beautiful calm.


    Grief
    possesses me,
    refusing the amity
    of the morning's pigeons.


    When I was a little girl,
    my only doll
    was lost.
    Ever since a long time ago:
    my dear things
    getting lost,

    one following the other.
    This might help.
    I don't get the first line. What I wrote is a pure guess.
    Roses don't travel. Also what does "Prepared was the lifetime" mean? Do you mean the lifetime was predestined, fated. Whose lifetime?
    As you see, I've made some assumptions.

  10. easybreakable's Avatar
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    #10

    Thumbs up Re: a translated poem

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    I've made some assumptions.


    And your assumptions are so true, this is the second poem you help me with, obviously you grasped the meaning, a great contribution you offer for this site, thanks a million.

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