Student or Learner
This is the third part of my text, some thoughts which flow in my mind:
After being disappointed with the modern psychiatry, I became depressed. My already miserable life had become even worse. I was feeling like a cursed dog that nobody wanted and who had lost his pack. Here I was surrounded with thousands of people, some of the women looking like goddesses, and despite everything I was distant from them, as if an invisible wall separated us and made any contact between them and me impossible.
Maybe we had been living in different realities, in two different worlds which only occasionally overlapped, but otherwise were completely apart. It could be that my senses had been deceiving me, presenting me with something which did not exist at all. How could I know in my current state of mind what was true and what an illusion when I had lost the point of reference?
I was aware of my breathing, my body, my limbs, my skin and the sensation of warmth and cold, but I was not sure if they belonged to me or some other person. Could it be that my brain had rebelled against me and taken control over my mind in such a way that I had become its prisoner without noticing anything?
How could I otherwise explain my inhibitions and my twisted view of the world? Here I was, a man in his best years, healthy and normally built, without any bodily deformity who could have the brightest future, but instead was withering away and falling deeper into an abyss without a chance to rise himself again.
In one moment I felt such a fear that I almost shat myself. What if my brain was evil, like for example Dr Josef Mengele and wanted to perform some kind of experiments on me? If that was the case I was lost, because there was nobody who could help me. Auschwitz had been liberated by Russian troops and hundreds of children rescued, but who would liberate me and rescue me from my brain?
That was the most absurd situation one could have imagined and I could only hope that my brain was the good one. However, even the most trustworthy brain could one day leave one in the lurch and go its own way, especially now when our world was bombarded with the media and the cheap entertainment.
Maybe my brain was not satisfied with my constant reading of books and it had become bored and decided that now it was enough. Instead, it wanted to see Lady Gaga and Britney Spears moving their bottoms to the infantile music or maybe it wanted to relax watching Hollywood films and their heroes who never died?
The worst was that I could not talk to it like to an ordinary human being and I could not understand what it actually wanted. We were existing like a couple who one day understood that they did not love each other any more but because of different reasons they decided to stay together, at the same time ignoring each other and pretending as if the other did not exist at all.