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Can anyone help me edit this essay carefully, and point out anything that needs to be improved. I will be really appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the statement that in order to achieve the happiness of yourself, you have to try to make other people happy? Use specific details and examples.
I believe that there are many factors that constitute happiness of a person, and different people have different opinion about being happy. In my opinion, I think that the following factors are very important to be happy. This person must be esteemed by other people around him or her, there are many people willing to help him or her, and this person must have many close friends. Hence, I believe that we will be happier by making other people happy because we can get these things.
First of all, if we can make other people happy we will be esteemed by them; therefore we will be happy. One we are esteemed by other people, maybe they often spend their favors to us such as priorities, or exclusive treatment. For example, when I was in school, I had a friend. He is really bad at math at first. Therefore, I often helped him with mathematic. After a period of time, he progressed a lot, hence he and his family were really happy. His family really loved and esteemed me, one summer, his family invited me to go on a vacation with them. Of course, I agreed and I felt very happy during this vacation.
Secondly, there are more people willing to help us if we can make them happy. During one’s life, a person will have a lot of difficulties, and sometimes we cannot solve it alone. To live happily, we must always have people around us to help us when we are in difficulties. If we make some people happy, they are likely to help us whenever we have troubles.
Last but not least, by making other people happy, we will have more close friends. To enjoy interesting things in the world, we need friends to share with us. For example, it is really bored if we go to visit some places alone no matter how beautiful and interesting these places are. In contrast, we have friends to go with us, we will feel much happier. By making other people happy, they are likely to sympathize with us in many situations. Thus, they can become our friends easily.
In conclusion, when we make other people happy, we also get many benefits. For example, we will be admired by other people, there are more people who are willing to help us and we will have more friends. These things are really important factors of being happy. Therefore, I have convinced myself that we will become happier if we make other people happy.
and different people have different opinion about being happy
-> different opinions
I believe that we will be happier by making other people happy because we can get these things.
-> we can make more relationships
by them; therefore we will be happy
-> by them. Therefore, we will be happy
He is really bad at math at first. Therefore, I often helped him with mathematic
-> at first so I often helped him wiht mathematic
Do not use one word in many times in a paragraph, it will make the reader feel bored.