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    • Join Date: Nov 2010
    • Posts: 5

    Help me bring spark in this paragraph

    The following is my introduction in my statement of purpose. Can you please help me put some liveliness and spark in the below paragraph.

    My Interest in computers and technology began when my father brought home a computer in year 1998. I spent time reading computer magazines and trying out new applications in computer. I used to wonder how internet worked, how one communicated through internet and it fascinated me. I still remember the file transfer done using Hyper terminal in windows 98 and I was filled with joy when the first file was sent and received. My decision to take up Computer Science as specialization for my under graduation was the first step towards my tryst with the fundamentals of Computer Science. Since then it did not take much time for me to realize the challenges, scope for research and most importantly my zeal towards computers.

  1. Ouisch's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2006
    • Posts: 4,142

    Re: Help me bring spark in this paragraph

    This post sort of treads a fine line between asking for homework help versus English language questions, but nevertheless I'll give you one tip...

    Dialog and personal anecdotes can often be more effective in providing a "back story" or history. For example, when I had to provide a brief professional autobiography regarding my job as a research editor, I started out with an actual verbal exchange I'd had with my Dad as a kid:

    As a youngster, I was struggling with a homework assignment one evening and I asked my dad "What the heck exactly was the Louisiana Purchase?" He got up out of his favorite chair, went to the bookshelf, and brought me an almanac. "Look it up," he said. "You'll never learn if you don't look it up yourself." Thus I was trained at a young age to not rely on word-of-mouth for information, but to actually research it on my own.

    Your paragraph contains some good basic elements - your dad brought home your family's first computer and that sparked your interest. Rather than just stating that as a narrative, describe it more as it really happened, including your emotions. You were excited when dad brought home this bizarre portal to the mysterious Internet, and then you were frustrated because you had this amazing contraption at your fingertips but you didn't know how to use it. So you started studying every computer-related magazine/book you could get your hands on.... etc etc.

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