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    #1

    Best of the three and why?

    I had a telephone conversation with a guy this afternoon who wanted some feedback on a few proposals that we discussed over the telephone. I am unsure as to the best opening couple sentences to use in an email summarising my thoughts but here are my best three efforts:


    1.

    Further to our telephone conversation earlier today when you asked me to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share the following information with you:

    2.

    Further to our telephone conversation earlier today when I was asked to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share the following concerns with you:

    3.

    Further to this afternoons telephone conversation in which i was asked to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share my concerns with you:


    I think all three are wrong but have the potential to be right. Can anybody guide me on this.

    Thanks

    Boozl

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Best of the three and why?

    A few things will make this easier to help you.

    Do you have concerns (something is wrong), suggestions for improvement, general thoughts you want to share, or something else?

    Is this person a potential partner in the proposal? A customer? A vendor? A co-worker? Is there a power dynamic between you where he is your superior, or you are his?


    Without knowing any of that:
    To follow up on our earlier phone conversation, listed below are my thoughts on the proposals we discussed.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #3

    Re: Best of the three and why?

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    A few things will make this easier to help you.

    Do you have concerns (something is wrong), suggestions for improvement, general thoughts you want to share, or something else?

    Is this person a potential partner in the proposal? A customer? A vendor? A co-worker? Is there a power dynamic between you where he is your superior, or you are his?


    Without knowing any of that:
    To follow up on our earlier phone conversation, listed below are my thoughts on the proposals we discussed.

    I am replying to a client and he is somebody I do not really want to upset if at all possible.


    Could you please highlight the 'logical mistakes' that appear in my three efforts. There must be a reason why they don't appear to be as good as they could or should be and that Is what I am keen to find out.

    I tend to write something out, read it under my breath, before deciding if it's right or wrong and this is not good.

    I need to stop that and look at 'sentence construction' logically rather than picking the best sounding version from a selection. I have done some research, I obviously have a mild form of Dyslexia but i'm determined to combat this and hopefully with your help we can do it.

    A very big Thank you for your patience.

    Kind regards


    Boozl

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Best of the three and why?

    Well, mine is shorter than yours, and that's always good, I think.

    But here are my thoughts on yours.

    Quote Originally Posted by boozl View Post

    1. Further to our telephone conversation earlier today when you asked me to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share the following information with you:
    The part in blue - wordy. Not wrong.
    The part in pink - unless you had more than one conversation, he probably knows what you talked about
    The part in black is fine.
    Thoughts: You have some things you want talk about, not necessarily problems.

    Quote Originally Posted by boozl View Post
    2. Further to our telephone conversation earlier today when I was asked to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share the following concerns with you:
    Blue: Same
    Pink: Passive. Was he the one who asked you? Then your original was better. When you asked me, not when I was asked to. But it's still probably not needed.
    Concerns: There is a problem.

    Quote Originally Posted by boozl View Post
    3. Further to this afternoon's telephone conversation in which i was asked to comment on the proposal put forward, I would like to share my concerns with you:
    Need an apostrophe with afternoon's (and I assume the lower-case i was just typo). Otherwise, the same comments about the first part as above.

    Do you need to be deferential? But not necessarily formal?

    As you know, earlier we discussed the proposal, and you asked me to specify my concerns. [Would something like this work here? I'm confident we can reach a resolution, and doing so will be easier if you fully understand where I'm coming from.] Please let me know if anything below doesn't help bring us closer to a mutual understanding. I am really looking forward to working with you further. [Then go on.]
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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