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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Japanese
      • Home Country:
      • Japan
      • Current Location:
      • Japan

    • Join Date: Nov 2010
    • Posts: 8
    #1

    Exclamation I really need help!!!!

    Since English is my second language, I really need someone to check my grammar for me! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! Thank you for your kindness!
    If you don't have time, it will still be happy if you correct part of it!



    A blank piece of paper will represent my world. I draw a stick figure to represent myself. Around the paper, I start writing significant things in my life and I draw lines between them; my world is full of connections. The connections I have with people, my community and this earth itself. The connections I built shape my dreams which is marketing, law and fashion and, color my world with numerous shades.
    The connections I evolved with people are like lands in my world; they are different and necessary. Every one of them affected my life in someway but some of them shaped my dreams and aspirations more than other people. Two such people are my father and my boss at a company I work for. My father explained to me how marketing is the basis of every business. Even when we were just shopping, he would teache me marketing skills such as branding when we are just shopping. He helped me to discover marketing as my fascination.
    My boss at a company where I am interning recently shaped my dream as well. I work at the Business Development/ Marketing Department at a law firm called Baker&Mckenzie. She is the who one who connected me with a new field of business; legal marketing. Many people do not connect some businesses with marketing such as law firms and hospitals but she taught me how marketing and law are necessities for every business in this world and it is also a creative side of business. Also working at Baker&Mckenize effected me to want to work in an international firm more because it is not male domination comparing to Japanese firms. I am not sure how many people I met in 19 years of my life but all of them influenced me and I find the connections I have with people are priceless.
    The connection I make with my community is like an ocean in my world; it is deep and different. I am from an International school community. Like ocean waves have different sizes and shapes,my community are diverse in races, religion and backgrounds. we all strive to be different individually yet function together as a group. My life changed the moment I entered to an International school. It helped me to spot what I want to value in this world and that is diversity. It expanded my outlook on life and I can proclaim that I would not be who I am now if I did not attend International School; it is my basis. I believe that it helped me to grow as a person. It developed various perspectives about history, culture and traditions. I can see histories as third person, I can adapt different ways of greeting people such as I bow for my Japanese teacher but shake hands with my English teacher and I understand about Ramadan and other Islamic beliefs. I believe that diversity does not only mean people with different nationalities but to have your own character and be original. To be unique, to have your own opinion and to be yourself make this world diverse.This is why I want to work in an International firm. I want to use my bilingual skills, share different perspectives and prove how diversity makes this world extremely entertaining.
    A colorful piece of paper will represent my world and it is filled in with various colors. I am still missing some but I am going to add those colors from now on. There are countless people who shaped my dreams. However, not only the people I have met, everything in every moment is somehow influencing my life. My dreams, aspirations and my world is never-ending and beyond imagination. I can turn anything into something I never imaged and I am going to keep initiating connections with numerous people to help this world become amusing.

  2. 5jj's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic

    • Join Date: Oct 2010
    • Posts: 28,134
    #2

    Re: I really need help!!!!

    leia,

    You have posted this three times.

    If members are able to answer you, and if they have the time and interest, they will do so.

    Unfortunately it may be that nobody responds. This happens. The people who answer questions on this forum are volunteers; they give up their time to help as many people as they can.

    Please do not clog up the system by re-posting.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Dec 2009
    • Posts: 6,332
    #3

    Re: I really need help!!!!

    NOT A TEACHER


    Leia,


    While reading a newspaper this morning, I remembered your post because I believe

    that you need to submit a personal statement in order to get into college. Am I

    right?

    Well, this article I was reading discussed ideas of writing an effective personal

    statement that will "stand out among thousands of applicants."

    Ms. [I have deleted name], associate director of admissions at the University of

    [deleted by me] has some advice:

    Successful essays focus less on what happened and more on what she calls

    "the why." "Why is this the thing that you need to tell me?" Ms. [X] said, "What

    about this experience was personal to you?"

    Another expert says that your essay should "encapsulate the unique essence of a

    particular person."

    The excellent teachers here will help you polish your essay. Good luck to you.

    We all hope you get the college of your choice.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

    • Join Date: Jun 2010
    • Posts: 24,494
    #4

    Re: I really need help!!!!

    Leia,

    For a start, break up that off-putting, solid mass of text by leaving an extra space between your paragraphs.

    Rover

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