[Essay] Please check my essay and suggest about mark. Ielts writing task 2.

[PremierAp]

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Everything has two sides, and financial education in school is not an exception. Today’s is very difficult to learn how to survive and spend enough money on necessity things with small budget.
On one side, children definitely have to learn how to save money and organize their financial living. It is not easy give a answer on question “How learn young people to survive?”, probably more difficult is explanation “Where to live them about money?”. Some people agree that school is best solution while others have opinion that parents must take control in their hands.
However, everywhere around is constant calling to buy something what is on discount only few days. No one ask do we really need it. Sellers have only one aim, it is “how to aim consumer to buy things?”. Not only child’s, also adolescent must think smart and decide what they need and what will be useful for them. When decide what to buy, and then they can go to market or store to leave money.
On the other side, school system is currently overloaded. Insert some serious subject like financial education is not easy job. Education about money management is not only school problem. Parents have lead function in explanation how world looks like. They must advise children about difficulties and troubles with money spending.
In conclusion, I vote for financial education in school system. Government or other responsible institution have to change educational system and find place to insert such as important subject like this above-mentioned.

Thank for answers

 

[maddy1]

Hi there, i can give you a 5.0 for the above essay.

 

[Raymott]

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Everything has two sides,
A triangle has three; a square has four. Do you mean every argument?

and financial education in school is not an exception. Today’s is very difficult to learn how to survive and spend enough money on necessity things with small budget.
On one side, children definitely have to learn how to save money and organize their financial living. It is not easy give a answer on question “How learn young people to survive?”, probably more difficult is explanation “Where to live them about money?”. Some people agree that school is best solution while others have opinion that parents must take control in their hands.
However, everywhere around is constant calling to buy something what is on discount only few days. No one ask do we really need it. Sellers have only one aim, it is “how to aim consumer to buy things?”. Not only child’s, also adolescent must think smart and decide what they need and what will be useful for them. When decide what to buy, and then they can go to market or store to leave money.
On the other side, school system is currently overloaded. Insert some serious subject like financial education is not easy job. Education about money management is not only school problem. Parents have lead function in explanation how world looks like. They must advise children about difficulties and troubles with money spending.
In conclusion, I vote for financial education in school system. Government or other responsible institution have to change educational system and find place to insert such as important subject like this above-mentioned.

Thank for answers

It's hard to know where to start. Your essay has only one instance of "the" in it. I think this is a record. You need to start experimenting with articles.
Also, I'd suggest that the more you read in English, the better.