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    #1

    What do you think of this piece of text?

    Hello dear friends and teachers!

    My teacher recently asked me to write a piece of text in subjective style.
    I wrote the following text but after handing it over to the teacher she gave me the cold shoulder saying that it is a mere narration and that
    she was unimpressed!
    The main theme of this piece of text is lonelines. Would you please be kind and read the following and tell me what do you think? Is it
    really worthless?

    I take a look at my watch ticking away. It's 30 minutes to 6 and it couldn't be sadder than that because the sun has already hidden himself behind the mountains. A chilly breeze stings me in the face as I step out of the building. My eyes are desperately trying to make out some familiar faces in the darkness but that's to no avail. The same unwelcoming, cool and distant looks are everywhere. I head back towards the classroom next to which some classmates of mine are standing. These are the students whose zenith of their relationship is saying a mere hello and good-bye to each other. Away from them, I grudgingly lean against the wall. The mirage of angels are going me past in groups of two, three and more, wearing nasty smiles. One abruptly appears out of nowhere asking ne a question regarding English grammer. As I'm answering her question, I can see easily that she is not that much interested in listening and intimacy with me is
    what she is looking for. My heart would have let her in four years ago but now that's too late. I used to look at the world through a pair of rosy eyeglass but now I can see that behind her gorgeous veneer of beauty lies a bleak and dull landscape and that's enough for my eayes to recoil at the scene. I'm finished with answering and she thanks and walks away, frustrated by not getting what she was seeking.
    I can't take this suffocating atmosphere anymore and the only thing that now i'm craving for is to lose this crowd. I walk past the classrooms one by one. They are all full of students. In the fullness of time any empty classroom invites me in. I go to the back of the class without turning on the lights and slide the widow open. the night has already spread its veil over the city. The pleasant silence and solitude make me abandon myself to imagination and my eyes are locked on the horizon yearning for rain.



    Thanks very much indeed in advance.
    Last edited by Nathan Mckane; 16-Dec-2010 at 06:06. Reason: correcting the typos

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: What do you think of this piece of text?

    Quote Originally Posted by Nathan Mckane View Post
    Hello dear friends and teachers!

    My teacher recently asked me to write a piece of text in subjective style.
    I wrote the following text but after handing it over to the teacher she gave me the cold shoulder saying that it is a mere narration and that
    she was unimpressed!
    The main theme of this piece of text is lonelines. Would you please be kind and read the following and tell me what do you think? Is it
    really worthless?
    Your text isn't worthless! Did she say that?
    But it's obviously not what she was looking for. It's certainly subjective, in my opinion, though there's no objective definition of what a text "in subjective style" means.
    Perhaps she meant she wanted your subjective opinions about something, not your stream of consciousness thoughts. But it's her place to tell you what she expects. I don't know.

  2. Senior Member
    Interested in Language
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      • Serbo-Croatian
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      • Bosnia Herzegovina
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    • Join Date: Nov 2007
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    #3

    Re: What do you think of this piece of text?

    by/wih
    Quote Originally Posted by Nathan Mckane View Post
    Hello dear friends and teachers!

    My teacher's (recently) asked me to write a piece of text in subjective style.
    I wrote the following text but after handing it over to the teacher she gave me a cold shoulder saying that it is a mere narration and that she was unimpressed!
    The main theme of this piece of text is loneliness. Would you (please-redundant) be kind and read the following and tell me what do you think of it? Is it really worthless? No it isn't. That's your try. She can make her own story so as to be satisfied with something.

    I take a look at my (watch) ticking-away watch. It's 30 minutes to 6PM and it couldn't be sadder than that because the sun has already hidden itself behind the mountains peaks. A chilly breeze sticks me in the face as I step out of the building. My eyes are desperately trying to make out some familiar faces in the darkness but that's of no avail. The same unwelcoming, of cool and distant looks, is everywhere.

    Now, I am heading back towards the classroom next to which some classmates of mine are standing. These are the students whose zenith of their relationship is saying a mere hello and good-bye to each other. Away from them, and against the wall, I am grudgingly leaning away.
    The mirage of angels are showing in groups of either two, three or more, wearing their nasty smiles.
    One abruptly appears out of nowhere asking me a question regarding English grammar. As I'm answering her question, I can see easily that she is not that much interested in listening and intimacy with me. That isn't
    what she is looking for. My heart would have let her in four years ago but now that's too late. I used to look at the world through a pair of rosy eyeglasses but not anymore. Now I can see that behind her gorgeous veneer of beauty lies a bleak and dull landscape and that's enough for my eyes to recoil at the scene. I'm finished with answering and she thanks and walks away, frustrated by/with not getting what she was looking for.

    I can't take this suffocating atmosphere anymore and the only thing that I'm now craving for is to get away of this crowd. I am walking past the classrooms one by one. They are all full of students. In the fullness of time any empty classroom invites me in. I go to the back of the classroom without its turned-on lights and approach to a slide open window.
    The night has already spread its veil over the city. The pleasant silence and solitude makes me abandon (myself) to imagination and my eyes are locked on the horizon yearning for rain.

    Thanks very much indeed in advance.
    The text is hard for me to correct.
    I tried.
    A teacher is welcome to let me know my mistakes with this text.
    Last edited by e2e4; 16-Dec-2010 at 10:37. Reason: by/with.I think both possible.

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    #4

    Re: What do you think of this piece of text?

    Thanks very much for encouraging me!

    Would you please tell me as a native speaker of English which parts of the text sounds awkward to you?
    Are there any grammatical mistakes?

    Thanks a million.

  3. 5jj's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: What do you think of this piece of text?

    Quote Originally Posted by e2e4 View Post
    The text is hard for me to correct. I tried.
    A teacher is welcome to let me know my mistakes with this text.
    It was kind of you to try e2e4, but you have corrected things that did not need correcting, and made mistakes yourself.

    I know that nobody else had corrected Nathan's grammar, but that was not what he had asked for.

    I think it would be better if you left correction to others.

  4. 5jj's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: What do you think of this piece of text?

    I agree with the others that your text is not worthless, Nathan. As some items were mistakenly 'corrected' in your text, I have re-corrected it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nathan Mckane View Post

    I take a look at my watch ticking away. It's 30 minutes to 6 and it couldn't be sadder than that because the sun has already hidden himself ('itself' is more likely, though you can 'use' himself if you are personifying the sun) behind the mountains. A chilly breeze stings me in the face as I step out of the building. My eyes are desperately trying to make out some familiar faces in the darkness but (that's) to no avail. The same unwelcoming, cool and distant looks are everywhere.

    I head back towards the classroom next to which some classmates of mine are standing. These are the students whose the zenith of theirwhose relationship is saying a mere hello and good-bye to each other. Away from them, I grudgingly lean against the wall. The mirages of angels are going me past me in groups of two, three and more, wearing nasty smiles. One abruptly appears out of nowhere asking nme a question regarding English grammear. As I'm answering her question, I can see (easily) clearly that she is not that much interested in listening, and that intimacy with me is what she is looking for. My heart would have let her in four years ago but now that's too late. I used to look at the world through a pair of rosy eyeglass rose-coloured/rose-tinted spectacles, but now I can see that behind her gorgeous veneer of beauty lies a bleak and dull landscape and that's enough for my eayes to recoil at the scene. I'm finished with answering and she thanks me and walks away, frustrated by not getting what she was seeking.

    I can't take this suffocating atmosphere any more (two words) and the only thing that now iI'm craving for is to lose this crowd. I walk past the classrooms one by one. They are all full of students. In the fullness of time any empty classroom invites me in. I go to the back of the class without turning on the lights and slide the widow open. Tthe night has already spread its veil over the city. The pleasant silence and solitude make me abandon myself to imagination and my eyes are locked on the horizon yearning for rain.

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