Please be as brutal as possible. I need all the help I can get. I have never been a strong writer. I am to descibe a fiction, historical figure or creative work that has influenced me.
Here is the essay:

June 23, 2009, a first person shooter video game, named The Conduit, was distributed to the populace of North America. This game was tenuous, phlegmatic, and was berated by the few gamers who played it. The majority of gamers have not even heard of The Conduit. This is mainly due to the game being distributed only on the current Nintendo home console. Unlike most people who play this game, The Conduit adjures to me. I had not been driven by the lackluster storyline and repetitive objectives. I was intrigued by the game’s engine rather the game itself. High Voltage Software, creator of The Conduit, proprietary software implicated some of the greatest technological software to have ever been conceived on the Nintendo platform. This engine was known as the Quantum 3 engine. The engine’s technology allowed to virtually keep the same art pipeline used in both Microsoft’s and Sony’s gaming platform. An achievement such as this was considered inconceivable. This feat sparked my interest in learning how this was actually possible. Upon the early development The Conduit, began to refute and raze all technical specifications that were arrogated to be impossible to create on the Nintendo platform. Upon the release of the Quantum 3’s technical demo, I was astounded at the sheer puissant ability of the engine. As I looked more into the technical features, I grew to have great appeal into learning how to create software myself. As The Conduit developed further, I grew to learn more about the effects and languages used in programming. I grew familiar with terms such as python, C++, bump-mapping, alpha compositing, specular effects, and fresnel effects. While learning some information associated with High Voltage Software’s game engine, I yearned to make my own software. I tried to learn how make my own through blender. Blender is a 3-dimensional graphical application used for modeling, animating, and rendering simulations. This proved to be rather difficult. The interface of the application was far too difficult for a inexperienced applicant to use. Though lacking the ability to create the actual software, I was still resolute in creating my own software. I began to write what I wanted to create until I learned how to create what I wanted. From that point in time, I have been determined to obtain a master’s degree in computer science.

I look foward to you honest opinion.